blowin' in the wind

Here's my way of making big, life changing decisions: I give it a fleeting thought one day, I let it slide, and then I return to it and decide. With some consideration to the consequences, but just the most obvious ones, like -- will this kill me? Otherwise, I face whatever then follows.

That kind of impulsiveness is regarded in our society as a flaw of character. Unmeasured, Juvenile almost. Many have questioned how it is I go about selecting life's partners, but basically, it's worked out okay. My marriage lasted 28 years. And Ed? We've been going strong for twenty years and I have loved most every minute I have spent with him.

But last night, we got stuck, on a topic where we do have some difference of opinion. And we reached no solution and I decided that we are not likely to reach a solution any time soon. Suddenly trying to work out something is feeling so laborious, even though it should be so easy.

So I decided to move out. At least for a while.

To be clear: I am not mad at Ed. I love him. He loves me. But there have always been two imperatives that can make this work for me despite our differences and he's choosing to ignore one of them for reasons that aren't clear to me, so here we are, in love, but about to be separated.

People are indeed strange, to which category I most certainly belong.

But, but, what about my flowers?? Indeed. I can't afford to go to a place that will provide even one tenth the land (and my love for it) that the farmette provides. So I'm going with no land. No nature out the back door. No city either, just an expanse of lawn which I hate, but this is what you get if you move to an apartment building just at the edge of the city. Lawn, and I do believe there is a garbage dump below. 

And yet, I feel this is what I must do. Not so much to preserve my honor. I have no honor. But, I do not want to feel the way I feel now. Ed and I cannot remain suspended like this. One of has to make a move. I'm taking the initiative.

 

In the morning I feed the animals...

Eat breakfast alone...

And go out on an apartment hunt.

Actually, things being what they are, I did the hunt on line in the middle of the night first. It was a process of elimination. I dont like most apartment buildings nor their location.  The walls will be thin, there will be noise. I hate noise. But, it's clean and it has western exposure. So, sunshine. Just three windows and all on one wall -- another huge difference from where I live now -- with windows on all four sides. I swore I would never again live without large windows everywhere and yet here I am.

The building I found has a motif of rock bands (I kid you not). Tells you what they're aiming for, right? But apart from that, it feels okay. A place for the car, for my bike. Small rooms that have me scratch my head -- where is the table for family dinners supposed to go?? 

Why does it not bother me? Well, it does, but I am so bothered by losing what we have shared for twenty years that nothing else seems all that important.

 

In the meantime, in the afternoon, I still have the kids to pick up. I tell them that they will always be welcome at the farmette, but what a farmette it is slated to be now -- furniture missing, garden overrun...

Not this place anymore... Giggles and hose sprays and trees to climb and always always flowers for them to pick.

So this is where I am at. Ed is heading out on a sailing trip this weekend. I'm charged with minding the fort in his absence. And I will of course. But too, I'll be moving. With lots of tears. How can it be otherwise. When he returns from his trip, he'll help me set up the TV and the internet in the new place. Probably stay for supper. Just not at the farmhouse.

With so much love...