sunshine

Without question, May sunshine is superior. Balanced between summer warmth and spring unpredictability, it offers near perfect days, where you can slowly unwrap yourself from layers of clothing and soak in the great outdoors without reservation. Today is such a day. Oh, those green plant colors! Oh, the birdsong! The Millie song!

 

(Millie only sings in the mornings)

 

 

 

Because it is a cool morning, wise people would eat their breakfast indoors. But the allure of a sunny porch with flowers blooming is just too strong. I take everything out to the porch.

The meal itself is far from grand. Millie is with me, my book has one more fabulous dog essay for me to read -- the whole set up is really great. But it is at exactly this time that the construction workers decided to move the dirt off of the empty lot immediately to the east of me. Horrible noises, disturbing me, disturbing Millie too. We lasted for the duration of breakfast itself, then went back inside, shutting out the noise and retreating to the couch.

Eat, play, walk, rest, walk, comb, rest. It never varies. If dogs like schedules and routines, then I really am giving Millie the best life!

At noon I take her to doggie daycare. And at four, the kids and I pick her up and the four of us head out to meet Ed at our local farmers market. The Thursday afternoon one, that's both intimate and very familiar. And of course there are cheese curds. And treats.

It's a first for Millie. (This one, unlike the downtown one, does not ban dogs.) All those people! What's a friendly puppy to do?!

(meeting Luna, the bernedoodle that hangs out with the bike repair guy)

At home, we still have a little time to read and play, and then, too quickly, it's the evening. I'm thinking about the book I just finished -- essays on dogs ("The Best Dog in the World"). Not all the essays were great (and some were more than great!), but uniformly, the authors wrote about their strong and unique attachment to their pup. Surely that bond is not new to this century. Dogs have been our domesticated companions for some 40,000 years. But dogs as pets were treated differently, even when I was growing up: they, like children, were part of the background in a household. You did not entertain them (nor did you especially entertain children). You did not try to understand them (ditto children). You took care of them, maybe showed them some affection, and that's about it. That seemed to be the working paradigm. 

My relationship to my dogs this winter followed a different path. I thought it may have been because I moved and for the first time in a long time I was living alone, but now I think that had little to do with it. Somewhere over the last decade or two or maybe three, our eyes were opened to the fact that these living canines are not just pets for our amusement. For me, they formed the core of my everyday, and this continues now with Millie as I work hard to understand her gestures, her moments of complete mischief, her attitude toward food, toys, people, me. 

One of the essayists wrote that over time, he came to even know what a particular movement of his dog's tail signified. Millie's tail is conspicuously long and yes, I'm beginning to recognize the variations! And of course, some of her behavior is easy to interpret. Her boisterous morning song. Or, try saying "let's go for a car ride" and watch her fly under the couch. Her tail is still wagging a bit, so maybe she's not totally scared, but I cannot coax her out. She wants to be dragged out and carried.

Do I notice such details in my grandkids? Of course I do! But that is a given! No one would be surprised, no eyes would be rolled. But devoting my free hours (and not so free hours) to learning about Millie -- that's new for me. When I decided to get a dog, I did not think about how important these guys would be to me. How much emotion would go into the whole deal. How brutal the loss is. How radiantly beautiful the bond.

with so much love... 

fuss

I have never had a dog that doesn't like to eat dog food. Every single pup that has crossed my door looked forward to a bowl of food, morning and evening. With treats in between. Henry was completely smitten with his meals. Sadey grabbed treats (after finishing her dry food) so enthusiastically, that oftentimes my hand got roped into that mouth of hers. No harm done! I loved her eagerness!

And now along comes Millie, who will take a whiff of her morning food, turn her nose up and walk away.

Oh, I have tried to change things around. Introduce wet food. (She liked it the first few days, but now she treats it as the ultimate insult.) Introduce sensitive stomach food -- both wet and dry. Again, fine initially, disgustingly boring and inedible thereafter. There is still one training treat that she hasn't rejected. I artfully place a few of them on top of the wet food. That worked yesterday. Today, she's not fooled.

(morning song fest)

I do not give her people food (except for cottage cheese on days where she seemed to need protein because she'd been ill). I do not stuff her with treats. She is indifferent to most of them anyway. She gets plenty of exercise -- at doggie daycare or in the alternative, at the dog park. She just does not like dog food.

This is why, after my indoor breakfast...

...I am spending several hours searching the internet on what to do with a fussy puppy. Yes, this may well be a question for the vet, but I am determined to have a week go by where I do not call the dog clinic. Surely I can figure this out on my own? 

There are so many suggestions on how to feed a picky eater! Indeed, I've followed some already in selecting her dog food(s). They say that you should stick to one food over time. Well now, Millie thinks that's a terrible idea. She gets bored with the same old, same old... And here's another frustrating bit: her vet prescribed a very expensive probiotic to help her with her digestive problems. I mix it into her wet food which she then does not eat, wasting the very expensive probiotic for the day. 

My choice with foods in the end is to try The Farmers Dog meal plan. Real food, cooked and sent frozen. The reviews are all positive. There will be variety. It all seems well suited for a dog that has great disdain for those huge bags of kibble and cans of stuff that has no enticing scent to it. It's obvious to me that in general, Millie is getting to be a very expensive proposition.

 

Toward noon, she and I go to the small dog park. Just one other pup is there -- a very indifferent to others pup, and he leaves soon after we arrive.

("where is everyone?") 

 

 

I have to think that Millie hasn't her usual energy. She hasn't eaten at all today. But, she gives it her all anyway.

 

 

 

There's something about freedom that really gets you going!

 

 

 

With an occasional rest stop.

 

 

 

When I think she has had enough, we pick up Ed at the farmette, I gather a bunch of lilies-of-the-valley,  and the three of us go to Tati's for lunch.

 

 

The place is never crowded at lunchtime, which worries me, since this is our favorite and easy easy meetup place. If it closes or cuts back further on its hours, I'll be heartbroken! 

At home, I wait for a tree to show up. One more to place in a pot. And I deem tomorrow as safe enough for planting the tomatoes in pots outside. We'll see how that goes! 

It surely is a strange gardening season for me. But in its own way -- not unsatisfying. 

with so much love... 

a dog in your life

I know a woman, a working mom, who has something like 10 children. Most would wonder -- how does she manage? I remember reading the book "Cheaper by the Dozen" when I was a kid (immensely better than the stupid movie by the same name). What impressed me was not necessarily the "management" issue (it was a family of 12 kids), but the emotional attachment stuff. Every child mattered in that family. The mother had a strong and personal relationship with each of them (at least that's how I read it). And so as I watch this person known to me deal with her brood of 10, I tell myself it is possible to love each child forcefully and without reservation even as the numbers grow.

But this was not my experience with dog ownership. Meaning, if you have a lot going on in your life, can you really feel a fierce attachment also to your dog? As I've said before, I had many dogs in the course of my life. I loved dogs in theory, and liked them enough in practice. But they definitely took a back seat to my other preoccupations: in adolescence, I felt my dog to often be an intruder into my social life: the required afternoon walk with him kept me tied to the house when I wanted to, instead, chase after the boy on whom I had a crush. In my younger adulthood, the dogs again were a distant third in my life. Kids first, job second, then came the dog.

So what changed this year? I am plenty busy. Indeed, I haven't enough time or strength to make more frequent trips down to Chicago to see the kids there. And there are three kids here, and there was the farnette land to cultivate and the farmhouse and Ed, and though I may appear to have given up on that farmette life, as you can tell, I haven't really done that, and I've added Steffi's House to my gardening woes. My energy levels are not as they were, my days are full. So why am I completely smitten with the dogs in my life, to the point of an excessive preoccupation with them, setting my schedule to reflect not my needs but theirs?

I don't know the answer to this and perhaps it's pointless to speculate. Fact is, I am in love with the dogs that have been with me since Henry first entered into my life on October 19th. The pain I felt on losing Henry was like no other, and that last day in seeing Sadey at the shelter was not much better.

And now along comes Millie, my shadow pup.

I could not believe how excited I was to see her all trimmed yesterday, as if all that dog hair had kept her hidden from me. I wanted the full picture! Too, I am tempted every night to let her out of her crate, even though she walks into it by herself, knowing that this is her routine. But wouldn't it be better to finally let her spend the night in the doggie bed, or even (I cant believe I'm saying this) up on the bed? I know it's a terrible idea -- I am such a light sleeper, and it's made worse by the fact that Ed does sometimes spend the night here, and though he routinely sleeps with the cats at the farmhouse, I can't even imagine how having Ed and a dog would look like in the not so big queen bed. So I have wisely resisted to open up her crate and let her jump up with me, but it has been hard.

Breakfast among flowers, but inside, with Millie at my feet.

I have just about finished all novels written by Maeve Blinchy and so I am slowly transitioning to other stuff (my half year with dogs has also been a half year in Ireland, as I could not stop reading Blinchy's fabulous stories set in that country). I thought it appropriate to pick up "The Best Dog in the World" -- a book of essays written by well known authors on the subject of their dogs. At breakfast, I read "Dotty" by Emily Henry and I was transported! Her description of a life with her beloved dog may as well have been a description of mine with any of the trio from this year, even though my dogs, let alone my life had not much overlap with hers. But the tight pull our dogs had on our hearts, their weird habits, strong attachment and goofy personalities -- I can relate!

 

Outside -- finally, it rains. We had a wet start to April and a very dry spell since then.  It's supposed to warm up today but when I take Millie out for a quick walk at 11, just in my hoodie, it is so cold that I'm telling her to hurry up because I sure as heck do not want to be outside at the moment without my warm jacket. She gets it. She hurries.

 

I drop her at doggie daycare in the afternoon. Julie the trainer and dog caregiver is there and Millie, who hates to be told "we're going for a car ride," and hides as best as she can to avoid being swooped up and carried off to some hell hole, is thrilled to find out that it actually is doggie day care, and her favorite dog person is opening the door for her. She trots in as if she were going to a feast of her favorite foods (whatever those may be -- she changes her mind frequently on what's yummy and what's digusting and vomit worthy).

I pick up the kids and together, we bring Millie home with us (she will have been with the pups for three hours only, which is way too short considering the fact that I'm paying for five hours, but she is so relaxed at home in the mornings, that I cannot get myself to interfere with that until after the noon hour.)

It does appear that Millie is growing, fussy eating not withstanding!

 

 

At home, Snowdrop takes the initiative to walk the girl, Sparrow definitely likes to engage her in play. This has its good sides.

 

 

 

There are pitfalls, however. Because Sparrow is the only one who gets down on her level and plays with her, and because he also happens to be the shortest of us all, Millie can get too rambunctious with him, resorting to play strategies that work well with dogs, not so much with people. For example -- soft mouthing her newest playmate, which from Sparrow's perspective feels awfully much like a nibble. I have warned both him and Sepi to be stern with her when she is engaging them with her mouth, but I don't think Sparrow knows how to be stern to a puppy. That boy is clearly a "dog person." Millie looks with astonishment as her playmate yelps in disbelief. She has a lot to learn in this complicated world of humans and dogs! Different rules, my girl, different rules.

 

 

 

Evening. Millie rests, I read my dog book. I'm in that bubble where I could take in any story about dogs. I only wish there were movies to watch as well, though perhaps that's harder on Millie: a dog on the TV is fine with her, but once the pooch barks, she gets right into the fray. 

The quiet of the house is lovely really. I sit back and think about how good this week is and will continue to be. Warmer days, happy kids, a weekend visit, Millie. All making me smile.

with so much love... 

big Monday

I am hoping for a big day with many accomplishments! (I will admit -- they're big for me, perhaps verging on trivial and mundane to anyone else.)

Millie is back on track with her "get up and go" time. 6:30, not a minute earlier! 

It's cool outside. Call it April weather. But, the sun is out, our spirits are high.

(Millie, in her morning singing moment)

 

 

Breakfast, unfortunately, inside. A handful of degrees above freezing is not al fresco weather.

And after Millie's rest, after my tidying the house -- getting it ready for a monthly cleaning today! -- I take the girl to the grooming place where she will spend the afternoon playing with other dogs and this is important! -- finally getting a full hair trim. She is way too shaggy right now. Every piece of debris gets trapped in her hair and even combing her daily, as I do, is not enough to keep her free of dirt and tangles. The groomer has been reluctant to trim her fully since she is so young, but I am full of hope that today, she'll be deemed mature enough for it.

In the meantime, I have a doc appointment. He wants one more measurement of my capacity to handle serious movement (as opposed to "walking with Millie" movement). I am asked to briskly walk for 6 minutes. At the end he tells me "you are uber healthy.You walk a lot, don't you?"  I hesitate on that one. The steps are there -- I see that every night on my watch, but I can't say I sprint in the way that I did for the test.  Um, yes, I guess so, but perhaps, um, less briskly than today and honestly, this wasn't the best brisk step I could do because as you can see, I'm wearing my clogs which are really my gardening shoes and they slip off and I was mostly exerting myself trying to keep them on. Docs complain that their patients dont give them enough information. I think mine would say that I give them too much information. 

 

From there, feeling uber healthy, I go grocery shopping. And in the now very late afternoon I work in the yard of Steffi's House. Uninteresting work: sprinkling grass fertilizer because the lawn is looking pretty starved for it. Not that I ever like putting down fertilizer, no matter how "good" it is for plant life. All of it eventually drains to the lakes and pollutes them. But, once or twice a year, I succumb.

 

And still another errand, at the farmette, where the clematis is blooming...

 

 

This is when I get a text that Millie is ready to go home. I am very excited to see her!

 

 

 

She looks awesome! Like a whole different pooch! Remarkable what a hair trim can do.

The visit to the groomer seems to have injected an extra dose of confidence into the pup. Tired as she is (all that play with the other dogs, plus the bath, the cut...), my girl is wild tonight! Millie, do not chew on that chair cover. Here's your favorite toy instead! Two minutes later: Millie no, you cannot chew on it! A nice zoomie run follows and then she is back at it. Millie NO. Jumps off the chair, then up again, tearing into the cover. Gulp, I think we are entering everyone's least favorite age in a dog: adolescence! 

With so much love...

mother's day

I think of this day as creating an opportunity for us to think about motherhood. We're all born of mothers. Most of us were raised by mothers. In fact, in the U.S., close to a quarter of all kids are raised by single mothers. And we all have feelings, usually strong feeling about our mothers. Without doubt, a majority of all moms work extremely hard at their parental responsibility. But it's also true that a number of moms cannot give the warmth, support, security, unconditional love that their kids deserve. That all kids deserve. Do we pressure women to become moms? Do we stress them out by making it impossible to combine motherhood with... life? Or do we throw them to the wolves because our priorities lie elsewhere?

Still, I'm always impressed at how many celebrities (in all fields) do credit their moms for their success. And it seems genuine. Oftentimes their mothers are no longer living so you know it's not just a show of child gratitude that's expected. 

Far too many good moms, indeed, hardworking great moms worry about their parenting. Usually those who worry and fret are the ones that actually have little reason to feel they're not doing enough, not giving enough of themselves. Worry in this sphere is, unfortunately, often a sign that you are phenomenally grand, more so than a child could ever hope to have in a caregiver. And yet, you continue to fret and worry and ruminate and think about how maybe you should improve your parenting strategy. You have one chance to do it right and you do not want to fail those you love so much. Even as you have to accept the possibility that maybe your strategy needs tweaking.

On the other side, those of us who feel let down by our moms sometimes worry that we could have done something to spin that ship around and make a better success of the whole thing. Children, after all, are key players in this dynamic. Could have I shown a better understanding of what happened to cause the ship to take on water and ultimately sink? Could have I worked harder to bail out the water? Yes, I could have. But would that have been healthy for anyone? Perhaps being a good child means investing in something else, in moving on? 

In other words, this whole mother thing can be complicated. In theory -- so simple. Love your child, accept the love of your mom. The devil is in the detail! 

 

Once I had kids, I've always liked Mother's Day. To me, this annual focus on motherhood allows your kids to take a pause in their never-ending demands. It allows you to say -- hey, I'm trying really really hard. Thank you for understanding! 

Sometimes you even get a present, or a day off from fixing a meal. I heard on the radio that in the U.S., money spent on brunches today is somewhere around $38 billions.) What's not to love?!

 

It is, perhaps, unfair to lump together being mom with owning a dog and thus being a dog mom, but if marketing departments are allowed to do it, so can I! In addition to being a granddaughter, a daughter, a mom, and a grandmother, I am, of course, Millie's mom.  And to prove her worth, the girl wakes extra early today. No late breakfast in bed from her! She is done with sleeping by 6.

The day is cool, but pretty too. We take a longer walk and though sanity would call for an indoor breakfast, I take the show to the porch.

With sunshine, the day give the appearance of being warm. And it is in fact delightful out there.

I have given up on Sunday's agility class for the pup. She had to skip two classes because of her tummy issues, so she is behind, even as she already was the least practiced pup of the group. And I found it hard to restrain her friendliness. Waiting for our turn in the holding pen and not being allowed to greet other dogs or humans was torture for her and therefore for me. So, no more agility. I'm working on commands at home. 

Instead, we go to the doggie park at noon. There is not a single other pooch in the small dog section. I suppose small dogs are typically pets to families or households with women in them, and all these families and women are out having brunch! 

 

 

Millie has a grand time anyway. I am so very grateful for this park! She can sniff out all those crazy scents, she can run wild, or she can trot by my side and take in the numerous compliments I throw out at her. Millie is such a good girl! 

 

 

Since we pass the farmette to get to the park (until they finish the road linking the development with better park access), Millie and I stop by to see what Ed's up to. Clearing the buck-thorn still! 

Back home, she rests, I get the house a little in order. The young family is coming over for a Chinese takeout meal. I get their company (and gifts!) without having to cook!

(hey, is it Mother's Day or Millie's day?)

 

 

(a mom with her kids: three plus dog)

 

 

(dinner)

 

 

(pup cups: a dab of whipped cream)

 

 

The thing about being a mother is that you're never done with it. Your kid can be an adult with a completely independent life and still, your emotional investment in that relationship, in that person is huge. For the child too. She can try all her life to become someone who is in no way like her mother, but it'll be work. How many times have I let an expression slip out and my kids will say -- ohhh, just like grandma! Sometimes I look at my aging face in a photo and think -- wow, there's a lot of my mother in that expression. Even when I'm smiling (a rare beast for her).

Motherhood! Of course most women who care for kids say it is the most important job they do. What other work is 'round the clock and offers no retirement and fills you with tears and joy, sometimes all in one day? Sure, your kids may someday take care of you, hopefully in ways that are compassionate. After all, you don't want to be a dementia ridden invalid any more than they want to care for you in that state. And still, you'll be the mother figure. The history of your life with them will always stick to their heart, mind and soul. Trust me, they will remember the day you forgot to send in the permission slip for a field trip, and locked them out of the house by mistake. The hope is that they will also remember how much you loved them. Totally, sometimes desperately, and in my case, most certainly with humility.

Yes, with love always. 

for the birds

A morning pre-breakfast walk with Millie: if you enjoy the light, the quiet, the freshness of an early stroll, then today's Millie walk is near perfect. Cool but not cold. Weekend peace. The smell of spring. I almost always take Millie to an empty lot just two blocks west of us. It's grassy and offers plenty of sniffing opportunities. She likes it and I do too. We circle it, crisscrossing the field until she is satisfied. 

Well, this is what we did in the past. Since last night, the field is off limits. We have been fiercely warned to stay off. Why? For whatever reason, it is now the home of a family of Killdeer birds. Two adults and at least four or five baby birds, darting back and forth. if we get anywhere near the grass, the adults swoop up and down, trilling as only this bird can trill -- they're called killdeer because the sound they make sounds like a piercing shout "kildeeeee!" Bird people sometimes call them the noisy plover. I had my phone with me and I managed a really not good photo of them. The little chicks blend with the dandelion puffs, the big birds move ever so quickly, and in the meantime Millie is pulling to go on her usual trot through the field, wondering what the heck is going on. So, a lousy photo, but I like it anyway, for the joy of listening to and watching this family that somehow has managed to escape predators and eager dogs alike.

(one mama, two babies, lots of dandelion puffs)

It's only in the 50sF (about 12C), but I take my breakfast outside anyway. I'm tired of waiting for a warmer day.

Millie agrees.

 

 

As for Millie's health -- are we on an upswing? Well, that depends what you would call an upswing. Did she eat this morning? She did not. Did she throw up the water she drank? Yes she did. Is she bouncy? Initially yes...

(combed and lookin' good... for a few minutes anyway!)

.. but now in deep sleep. Did I call the vet? Yes I did. Have we any clarity of why this pup is perpetually struggling with digestion? We do not. Might it be nothing to worry about? Yes it might. Am I worried? Not yet.

 

 

 

The young family is itching to go to the downtown farmers market. I agree to meet them there. I thought I might scooter over, but frankly, it's just a bit to chilly for a ride in the open air. But unexpectedly, the sun comes out and suddenly it is one glorious day! And the market is not too crowded because it's Graduation Weekend and much of Madison is preoccupied with that event.

I get there early and do my own quick shopping. Tulips, honey, and tomato plants. The tomatoes are an impulse purchase and considering Ed's plantings, a bit silly. But, he starts his seedlings late and they take a while to develop and I am interested in doing this as much for the kids as for myself. I dont have the space for it in the ground, but I figure a few big pots would carry them through spring and once I move, I can put them, pots and all, in the Steffi garden space.

(gorgeous tulips!)

 

 

 (granddaughter, helping)

 

 

Once the three kids plus mommy show up, I focus less on the market and more on their antics. 

Which are sweet...

Exfiltrating...

Special.

 

 

 

Delightful.

 

 

Snowdrop says what we're all thinking -- May really is the most beautiful month!

They eat a picnic lunch...

And then we split up again -- I have a two hour meter parking and besides, Millie was bereft when I left her at home. I need to reassure her that life as she knows it has not come to an end!

 

In the afternoon I have two imperatives: pick up some soil for the tomatoes at the farmette, and give Millie a good run in the small dog park.

 

 

 

 

 

From the park to the farmette.. So beautiful in May!

 

 

 

 

 

I work in some weeding while Millie rests on the red chair, watching.

(she's on my lap here, trying to figure out if Pancake the feral cat is friend or foe.. A piece of advice Millie -- he's not friend material, though Ed would claim otherwise)

 

 

In the evening, Ed comes over for supper and a few shows that are favorites from way back. Millie seems happy and healthy once more. May it last!

with so much love...