The President Has An Idea

Did anyone else chuckle at Bush’s long pre-election arm, sweeping from appeasing those in need of cheap labor (through his proposal to partly legalize illegal aliens), to those in need of the “Mom ‘n Pop” model of family life? So the way I read it, soon we will have marital education programs for poor people, so that they wont let their strife get in the way of a happy marriage. I suggest the following topics for training modules:
1. How to manage the aggressive impulse that hits when you learn that your neighbor’s kid has invited his gang over to hatch plans to beat up your kid and terrorize the neighborhood
2. How to structure sharing sessions that openly, calmly explore the available strategies for dealing with the onset of the flu season given that neither parent has health benefits nor is permitted time off from work for illness – theirs or their kids’.
3. How to resist the temptation to spend money on superfluous items like organic multi-grain high-calcium low-fat raspberry bars, and concentrate laying away cash for long-term investments like Raid and light-bulbs.
4. How to make do with what’s in your kitchen and not fight about it (one class could, for instance, focus on using plastic wrap to seal everything from drafty windows and kids’ hands on cold days, to leaking toilets and porous walls that let in noise from fighting neighbors who haven’t yet signed up for the program.)

Anyway, it’s good to keep poor people busy, so I guess the programs are an inspired suggestion. As a sign-on bonus the government should give each family a palm pilot, so that there’s no confusion about scheduling in "marriage training" given that there are also "job-training," "alternatives to aggression" (for the fights that occurred prior to the start up of this program), "parenting classes" (for those who chanced to implicate their children into their quarrels and got caught doing so by social services), oh, and let’s not forget to tap in "church-going" – to keep the moral fiber strong. And they think the President’s day is long! (They don’t think that? Oh. I forgot that this President’s day isn’t too long).

The war at home

According to the latest Newsweek article on Diet, we have been paying too much attention to the wrong components of our diet. Instead of looking at fat, or simply the carb content of food, we should be monitoring each item’s “glycemic load.” Forgive me, but until yesterday, I never even heard of glycemic loads. I quickly looked at the box of my favorite organic, low-fat, high-in-calcium-and-celenium raspberry tarts that I routinely eat for “lunch” and failed to see any glycemic figures, though I have, up to now, appreciated that each bar has 0 cholesterol, 1 gram of fiber, 25% dv (daily value) calcium, and 2 g of protein. But now I suspect it is loaded with glycemic loads, therefore overworking my insulin-making cells leaving me ultimately more susceptible to diabetes and eventually heart failure.

Well now, I want to give my insulin-making cells a piece of my mind: what happened to the boost you got from all those grains, fruits, vegetables, cooked tomatoes, olive oils, handfuls of nuts, salmon, legumes and yogurts that I’ve ingested to help keep you strong and able? That’s not enough? You’re still trampled down by the glycemic loads? You’re wimps! I refuse to spend another cent to bolster a new, possibly futile war on excess glucose. Enough is enough.