There are people who walk cautiously through life. They take a step, pause, contemplate the possible consequences, retreat, move to the side, resume even more slowly and eventually they make progress. Really they do.
I am not like that. In all matters relating to my personal life, I plunged. Friends became intensely close, boyfriends were instantly candidates for soulmate status. I reeled in a world of dizzying love for people, for events, for activities that I discovered afresh each year.
My little one and I were talking earlier today. She remarked how I never just connected to a person, I super charged the connection and with excitement and found all the nuance and beauty that made a person completely stellar. Best of breed, so to speak. Best of the best.
At 52, as I now proceed to distance myself from a significant chunk of my past, I think, I really think this – I think I was wrong to be so headstrong.
To all you blog readers who are younger than me, take heed. The world does not belong to the bold, it does not reward you for your efforts, it will not smile kindly at your generosities.
Forget the visions of eternal love, of eternal friendship; not even that: forget the belief in a solid strong anything. It’s fleeting – all of it, it’s fleeting and mostly terribly unkind.
I took a stack of old books to a used book place tonight. Books, just books, useless books, books that I had no room for in the new loft. Before handing them over, I flipped through some of them. I came across an inscription, written by someone who, some years back, promised undying friendship and eternal devotion. I pulled the book out of the reject pile, as a reminder of how completely ridiculous the idea was.
22 hours ago
Your emotional boldness, your ability to enthusiastically connect to the core of people's humanity, is one of your most beautiful qualities. It pains me to hear you say this. I admire it so much that I try so hard to be like that... I don't know what to say.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the reminder, but at this point, age 44, I already knew this. I seem to have softened the cynicism about it since age 34! That you have kept the book says a lot. Do you also keep jeans with holes in the knees?
ReplyDeleteThe only constant in life is "change".
ReplyDeleteYour friend,
Bert
And when you feel bad, you attack it with the same passion, rejecting it ALL. The cautious ones would love to feel everything so fully.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate all your comments, I really do. But I am not convinced. Bold people, people who are excited about life's possibilities do not fare well in an an unbold, quieter world. They just do not. They have initial impact value, they are admired from afar, they are spoken of well, they create a whirlwind, but it ends there. Their energy levels are too high. They are viewed with suspicion. They are outliers and therefore they are easily left alone, to fend for themselves. After all -- they always can manage to pull through, right? They always can manage. Always.
ReplyDeleteRight?