You aren’t entirely serious when you write about this sort of stuff. In fact, most people shrivel and hide if anyone even asks them about their happiness (what does it mean? there’s no such thing, etc etc). But insofar as we were able to conclude anything during this particular exchange, it was that he had small fluctuations (a little happy, a little sad) and I had great ones (a lot happy and less frequently for sure, a lot sad) and it all added up to pretty much the same bowlful of happiness.
But then we zeroed in to the heart of the matter: can a person who is a little this a little that ever fully appreciate the singular joy that comes with great friendship? Parenthood? Love? Companionship? An adorable Torts class?
I don’t get “little joys” people. My writer friend states: “if the chestnut is gone, there’s always a sweet potato.” (Meaning, there’s always something.) Well yes, but I am not ashamed to admit that I have a hierarchy of preferences on what foods I will place in front of me. Ahead of the pack come my two little chestnuts out in NHaven. It’s a given. But after that, I will chase down a truckload of foods before I settle for the sweet potato.
I look for them, I spend time on them. My friend says (by now the discussion has shifted to the phone) “I’m not a “more” person. I don’t need even more than I already have.” My heart goes out for you. More love and greater happiness seem infinitely better than an average amount. And why waste time on the potato, on the gray sky, on inertia, on fear of failure, when you can indulge yourself and revel in a heart-wrenchingly beautiful sunrise right there, outside your window, or a plateful of jellies at a café around the corner? But you need to crave them and expect to find them. Such joy when you do!
this afternoon, around the corner, at Jo's
this morning, out the loft window
I can't help but wonder if your friend has an accumulative amount of happiness building up. It might well equal what you describe as yours and have a long afterglow.
ReplyDeleteS. Cohn
But you need to crave them and expect to find them.
ReplyDeleteI think that's exactly right. So many people just drift along, perfectly content with their sweet potatoes, without ever noticing that the chestnuts were just one shelf over.
I dunno. There's something to be said for relaxing and allowing yourself to be happy. Who are we to say that someone "should" be doing xyz to make them happier?
ReplyDeleteIt sort of reminds me of the times that people have tried to get me to go on nature walks and hikes. You'll love it, it's nature! You gotta get out there and live! Well, I don't love it. You love it. Which is great, but it's not necessarily better in a general sense.
SCohn: he would agree with you on that.
ReplyDeleteJoan: yes, it's the drifters whom I cannot relate to. Especially since inevitably they sponge off of those who actively pursue happiness.
Ang: Never ever would I suggest that someone go after what I consider to be chestnuts. Find your own. Only please, don't sleep your life away (unless in sleep you find great joy).
I think the drifters are actually the happiest. They don't need much, and don't have to measure everyone else's happiness relative to their own, as you and Joan seem to do. Maybe it's a woman thing?
ReplyDeleteI agree with Ang. Despite what you say, your argument assumes your chestnuts are more valuable. Yes, to you.
Perhaps those other people have been very long in pursuit, and finally have obtained ... a sweet potato. Unless the person is actively coveting your chestnuts, why judge or assume their will want to sponge?
Perhaps they bring something to the table too, just as valuable as your heirarchy of treats.
p+L, X
p+L,X: Everyone brings something to the table. And everyone operates with hierarchies of preferences. And not everyone sits and waits until someone delivers them treats. Okay?
ReplyDeleteMy doubts are about those (and just those) who admit that they avoid the pursuit of happiness, avoid the risks involved, settle for mediocrity and then enjoy watching you do the chestnut reaping, reaching out for your occasional harvest, pretending that potatoes are just as good.
X, it has nothing to do with measuring other people's happiness or any kind of competition. It is the difference between being aware and engaged in life, as opposed to just letting it happen to you. At least that is the way I understood Nina's premise, with which I agree.
ReplyDeleteJoan: Correct. To that I add my displeasure with those who are passive (it’s only a subset of the non-engaged, but I seem to encounter them frequently) and allow others to do the risk-taking. They come out of their cocoon when your fruits are ripe and ready for harvest. Ask them, go ahead, ask them if they think your chestnuts are more valuable. They will answer yes. But being "I'm okay with small things" types, they will settle for the potato. Unless you find for them the chestnuts, jellies, whatever.
ReplyDeleteThis discussion of pursuing chestnuts v potatoes makes me wonder if it is somehow related to why we have so few Downs Syndrome children with us in our society anymore.
ReplyDeleteI'm all for pursuing chestnuts, but I wonder why you both seem so harsh with those who admittedly will settle for a potato. Even if they tell you chestnuts are better.
Why not share your chestnuts and sweets freely, or keep them to yourself if you are so troubled by what others have and expect from life.
p+L,X
p+L,X: I totally lost you on your Down’s Syndrome point, which is okay because I think you’ve quite lost me on mine. Which in itself is fine as it didn’t quite deserve the serious consideration it got. My original email-respondent would agree, with not a small amount of amusement.
ReplyDeleteWhat your lumping together of chestnuts and sweet potatoes did for me, however, is realize that it’s been far too long since I made a hearty winter yellow squash soup with caramelized chestnuts. I’ll post the results later tonight.
Mmm... I had a squash dish last night with cranberries, walnuts and cinnamon. Tonight, I was going to put a sweet potato in the oven, no lie.
ReplyDeleteMy point about the Down's syndrome children was that when we judge other people's lives, we may miss the inherent value. For example, you may feel sorry for someone whose child is not even average, like you may feel bad for people who go for simple eats and don't go all out pursuing excellence like you do. Still, maybe those people know something you don't and feel sorry for you at times.
Enjoy your soup!
Warning: the commenter below is given a severe reprimand for not adhering to the Ocean commenting policy. Next time I hit delete.
ReplyDeleteAs to the commenter's text: okay, you win I lose chestnuts suck potatoes rock especially with sour cream and vodka. Happy? Whew! Truly, I think I am not treating this nearly as seriously as you are.
(As I am done with this discussion, maybe I’ll get my original emailer who is the reason for this post, to explain that if you are equally happy with what is by your definition less – then you are not the subject of this post. And though we may all have hierarchies of preferences, nowhere do I suggest that there are hierarchies of people where the drifters are somehow lesser types, while me, with my wild forays into what you call excellence and I call bizarre states of being are somehow better, or better off, or better for anyone.)
The 1:36 post was mine. No need to delete. I thought you were looking for genuine comments and was trying to explain my earlier point, not get you to declare one is better than the other. I guess that wasn't too clear and I missed the lightheartedness of the discussion. I was trying to take the "enjoy the little joys in life" side. Maybe Ang's comment got me off track. Your photo, posts and blog are the best and need no improvement, changes, or comments.
ReplyDeletepLX
pLX: I have no self restraint. Post a comment - I respond. It's Pavlovian.
ReplyDelete"Enjoys the little joys in life" is a fine way to be. "Enjoys anything" is a fine way to be. I'll even settle for "tries to enjoy anything."
And I do welcome comments, even if they disagree with me. You need only read the ones to this post to see that. But you do, I think, have to take discussions about "happiness" with a grain of something -- mustard seed perhaps.
Yes, perhaps it is all my fault. Wouldn't be the first time.
ReplyDeleteNext three commenters: let Ang know how great she is or I'll delete the crap out of you. I talk tough when the going gets rough.
ReplyDeleteDon't know Ang? Read her blog (boring ones, side bar) and find out how women's breasts don't necessarily fit into those little cups they have hanging on Victoria's Secret racks.
(p+L,X, for the longest time I thought you were Ang. Before I die, let me know what those letters stand for. And the way Mr.B and I have been skidding around town, you have to take in the possibility of this happening sooner rather than later.)
I can do that. No problem.
ReplyDeleteAng is lovely and funny and sweet and adorable.
And I like her blog.
How's that?
Nah, I never post under other names - I've been accidentally anonymous a couple times on other blogs, but I never concoct a name. It's just me.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, thanks for the niceness, Nina and Tonya!
I have a question: Which one of you found the other?
ReplyDeleteS. Cohn
I can do better than that. (Nina's original post may or may not have been about one-up-manship, but this comment is unabashedly an attempt to outdo the previous one).
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, it's not Ang's fault that you two don't understand each other. (For what it's worth, I understand PLX but not Nina. I don't know anyone who sponges off other people's happiness. How is that even possible? How does someone sharing your happiness leave less for you??)
But more importantly, Ang is not just everything Tonya said, Ang should be described in superlatives.
She is one of the funniest people I've ever met. Also one of the gorgeous-est. And from what I can tell, one of the best teachers.
She is super smart. She is empathetic and supportive, whether you need a shoulder to cry on, and/or a wise and honest appraisal of a situation. She is extremely generous and talented in the kitchen (and reportedly in other rooms as well). She is also 100% reliable, loyal, and trustworthy. She will hold up her end of the bargain, follow through, show up, be there, and hang in. I just wish she could find more people in life who would do the same for her.
There. Nina said three comments. So, #3, top that!
Or don't. Just say what you love best about Ang. :-)
SCohn: Explain, please. If you mean Ang and me -- we go back a while, don't we? There were years when I would hear about her (in the best of ways) around the dinner table. Then we met. Smooth sailing ever since. As to p+L,X -- first tell me who it is, then I'll let you know the history. And don't forget about Tonya -- I cannot say enough good things about Tonya. (Are you reading, Tonya? Probably not. She has low tolerance for comments that go on forever.)
ReplyDeleteYou rule, Tonya and birdfarm! Count my own as number 3. No, this isn't a competition. Remember, there is no competition in the handing over of generous comments. Ever.
ReplyDeletei have no idea what chestnuts and jellies and pleasure and sweet potatoes and "shoulds" have to do with anything, but that's probably because I just got in from chicago which is a long way away and a very boring drive. But as for Ang, I can tell you without hesitation that she is the kindest, most genuine and sexiest broad you'll ever meet. Needless to say, she's been a rock in my times of trouble (admittedly, few) and a bright light in my gloomy days, and an honest sounding-board when I'm not making sense anymore (or just being selfish), and if that doesn't tell you what a true friend is, well, then you've never had a true friend.
ReplyDeleteand i rather prefer sweet potatoes, just for the record.
I'm weeping over the sweet comments. Thank you thank you thank you, everyone! I love you all back and then some. I'm working on a gratitude post as we speak.
ReplyDelete(Oh, and Nina, didn't mean to hijack the comments this time around. Feel free to weigh in on my blog and I'll sing your praises, too - that goes for the lot of you!) Heh.
Ang: There's always a risk when you open up your comments and ask -- hey, anyone have something good to say about so and so? With you, there was no risk. Oh, only one: that you would not tune in to Ocean to find out how much you are loved.
ReplyDeleteI don't know Ang (though it seems I'm missing out here). I meant Sweet Potato/Chestnut.
ReplyDeleteS. Cohn
A chestnut was found and the issue became -- what if chestnut decided to disappear? Answer: there's always a sweet potato. But the story does not end there. I'm sure it will wind itself into future posts, though without the food analogies which by now seem mashed and pureed to death.
ReplyDeleteIt stands for the salutation,
ReplyDeletepeace and Love,
X