Thursday, November 19, 2015

bounce back on Thursday

Of course, you almost never appreciate feeling well (or almost well) as much as you do immediately after feeling lousy. The sun doesn't shine outside, it positively glitters!

We eat breakfast in the sun room.


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Let me explain that expression of his: it's an air kiss, which I sometimes get in these morning photos, though more common is an attempt to foil my photo taking with gestures that he knows just wont do! You cannot say that Ed is not a tease.

Second point: that jacket. Purchased at Farm & Fleet, of course. It serves as an all season indoor sweater and apparently it's sufficiently versatile to make do for a cool summer eve and for the dead of winter -- for cross country skiing, for example. Last week, Ed realized that a wash was in order and the thing shrunk (to say nothing of the rip that I see on the elbow). I suggested a replacement was in order. He showed me instead how he intends to stretch it out again. He is a stellar example of a person who does not believe in consumerism.

But, no time for Ed related musings. I'm off early to be with Snowdrop and since I really do feel much better (albeit a tad worn down), I agreed to a full day with the girl (as had been originally scheduled for today).

Let's start with a few giggles as the girl wakes up. Me, I'm laughing at her p.js. She's laughing because I'm rolling her around on the floor.


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Well, maybe not only because of that. She just woke up in a delightful mood.


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It's art class day and today's project involves trees. Snowdrop's artistic spirit hasn't quite yet been ignited by the class, but she learns so much and does things she just would never do at home and so there is no question in my mind that the class is hugely worthwhile.

A tree, Snowdrop! We're working on a tree. The green paint can be the grass!


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Leaves of fall, little one!


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And it's interesting for me as well. The first day had a few stand-in grandmas in attendance, but these days there are only mommies, nannies and me. And so I listen to this younger generation of parents chatting and I am just so intrigued by how different styles of parenting can be!

For example, I grew up in a pretty traditional, European type care-giving environment (the first three years of my life I lived with my grandparents in the Polish countryside and thereafter, I was in an all-day nursery school in Warsaw until I was ready for school). There was a code of conduct. I didn't like milk soup, but it was standard breakfast fare and if I didn't eat it in nursery school (and I often didn't eat it -- I really disliked it!), I would have to wait for the next meal to fill up on something else. Pretty traditional ways of dealing with a child's whims and inclinations, I dare say still practiced in many places on the other side of the ocean.

I was amazed in art class how quite a few parents/sitters proceed with their charges by giving choice. The kid always gets to decide: "do you want to put on an art smock? No? Okay, no art smock today." I am so surprised. The toddler has no clue as to the consequences of this. No art smock means mommy/sitter will have to navigate a very messed up kid all the way home. Perhaps these children are precocious and can keep their car seats/strollers clean and may even be savvy enough to scrub their own clothes at the age of two once they get home, but I doubt it.

And it continues. "Time to go home! Do you know what you would like for lunch?" Seriously? This is so strange to me! And I have to wonder, did this absence of choice in my life -- did it make me more repressed, less expressive, more constrained, less innovative, more within the box, less adventurous? Of course, having decided to leave my home country and move to America at age 18, and there earn my own keep as an au pair, I always thought I was plenty adventurous, but imagine! Had I more choice in my early years, perhaps I wouldn't have stopped at New York! Maybe I would have sailed on to Bali!

I think that it's good for me to see other ways and methods of working with children. It reinforces my belief that there are as many styles as there are parents in this world and maybe you can learn something by watching another do things in a unique and interesting fashion. Even though I can tell you right now that it would take a bit of convincing to get me to believe that a toddler should decide what he or she should eat for lunch.


At home, a second bath is definitely in order (when will I learn to skip the morning one on art class day!). After that, we practice stuff. Standing, walking, that kind of thing...


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Snowdrop hasn't taken her first independent (without support) steps yet, but we do agree that she has said her first word that is not just an utterance, but represents a cognitive realization that what she says has meaning.  Here's a hint of what it is:


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Her past babbling of mama and dada and nana we think may have been rather random, but her "at" (for "cat") we think is quite deliberate.


In the late afternoon, she and I pick up grandpa Ed at the farmette and head out again to our Thursday indoor farmers market. Past fields of gold...



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Yes, she loves Farmer John's cheese samples. I take a photo of her munching away, in front of our local Greek guy whose family makes olive oil back in the old country. We go through a lot of his oil (called Paeleon) and fussy as I am about olive oils, I do truly recommend his. (And I feel quite a bit of compassion for Greek people these days, especially since so many have themselves shown not a small amount of compassion toward those in more desperate circumstances.)


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The little one also admires the potatoes. She was very tempted to try one right then and there (she's not part Polish for nothing), but I told her she'd have to wait for me to cook it. Wait for Sunday dinner, Snowdrop!


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At the farmhouse, she is, as always, happy to come back to her familiar world of toys -- ones she doesn't see on a daily basis, but remembers with delight each time we are here.

She always pays a respectful visit to my collection of vinyl.


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And grandpa Ed is a toy of sorts... (Grandpa, that jacket has to go!)


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... and there's the newcomer -- the pinwheel.


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Snowdrop has had such a full day -- and so have I. I offer her comfy blankies and stuffies to rest with until her parents come, but she will have none of that. Her place of greatest relaxation is uniquely her own -- the ever familiar, bouncy jumparoo. Put in front of NPR's Around the Farm Table (a show about the small farms of our state) -- heaven!


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Whenever you have an unusually large set of Snowdrop photos (i.e. on days when I spend most of my waking hours with her), you can assume, correctly, that it was indeed a wonderful day.

12 comments:

  1. glad you are somewhat better; and that you had another one of your precious days with little S.

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    1. Well, after she left, I had a glass of wine, so I guess I'm tons better! :)

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  2. I'm pretty much in agreement about the value of structure over choice in early childhood... makes transition to school a lot easier! (Did I ask my Science classes "Do you want to talk about Newton's Fist Law today? No? Well, then... what do you want to talk about instead?"). With the pre-K and Kindergarten students I'm enjoying working with now I can see who has always had command at home... they have trouble doing what they're supposed to do in a given project in class. My favorite new mother advice was "Kids come with their own directions... our job is to learn to read them." Which I take to mean not let them always choose whatever they want, but rather figure out what's best for them, what they need, and then go ahead with it. Maybe a little choice ”A? or B?" but not "whatever you want". Smock time at Art class is no time for options... as I'm sure any primary school Art teacher would say!

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  3. Though it's perhaps still the same in some European countries (not DK so much) I think it's more a generational thing-- because I've had people of my parent's generation (people born and raised and raised their own kids in the US) say, "you give your kids so many choices"... the first time someone pointed this out to me, when William was about 2 years old, I can honestly tell you that I didn't even realize I had been doing it. It was just the way I talked to him. Putting things in the form of a question, rather than a statement. But I don't think he's become a rebellious child because of it at school or at home (but I'll find out at the parent-teacher conference next week). ;-) I think partly what we're doing is trying to teach our children about consent, partly what we're trying to do is actually let our children make choices about small things so they can have a say, and partly what we're trying to do is maneuver in the world of parenting without certain discipline tactics that were more common the further back you go in time that are very much off-limits in our minds today-- so we're finding and figuring out new communication methods. I'm sure you can refute all of these, but I've thought about this and these are some of the explanations I've come up with.

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    1. I'd like to believe that I talked to my young ones with great empathy for their plight! That it wasn't all a top down -- these are the rules, now shut up! -- approach. Obviously most kids grow up to be sane and good human beings no matter what style of parenting you pick (which I hope I made clear in my post), but I have to admit to being confused as to why kids are given choices the consequences of which they do not understand. No matter how intelligent the kid and how good the parent is at explaining things. I'm not a "No!" person. I wasn't a punishing parent, ever. What seemed to work for me was that my kids were given explanations for rules once they could click onto what's going on. When I say I was a traditional parent, I refer to a structured, respectful rearing practice. I certainly don't want to align myself with practices that had elements of control and power. I think many younger parents back where I come from (maybe where you live?) still like to see kids aspire to be good at the table, or in the world of adults, relatives, friends. In my mind, you need rules for this in much the same way you need rules to reign in the economic forces that drive toward individual success rather than a collective well being. I think my daughter, having lived with me all those years, agrees and isn't much different with her own daughter. Her girl seems at this point happy and out going. As I said -- many styles, many good results!

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    2. P.S. -- I think your sons are caring, wonderful human beings!

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    3. Oh, so well said! And I'm a Mom who had a remarkably smooth ride with our three sons toward their happy and successful lives away from home. And a 26-year preschool teacher.
      There are so many right ways to give choices, as you describe. Nina was giving an example of parents giving a choice where there should just be a simple and reasonable rule. I did find it easier with my own children that some things were never going to be a choice. When they would ask for treats and junk in the checkout line, I'd say very briefly and matter-of-factly, "we never buy that". and get no commotion from them. They knew they had already planned one food item of their choice and we had written it on the grocery list.

      Glad you're feeling better, Nana Nina!

      Lose the hobo jacket, Ed. :) Ed has this also in common with my adorable husband. Reverse status symbol.

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    4. Greg/Regan, my comment below was really a reply to you. If you ever check back one entry to see if anyone has responded to you, well, I'd like to say that you sound like very thoughtful parents. You sound like you're in sync with your children.

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    5. Actually all parents participating in this thread are thoughtful, caring parents with a huge amount of overlap on the essentials.
      I am curious, regan, for the sake of discussion, about your use of the word consent. Are you aiming to get the kids on board with your directives? Hence the choice? And if they're not on board, do you reformulate the plan? So I offer you one example of a failure of mine with respect to parenting: it had to do with eating, where we had slightly different approaches to kid eating: one parent who was willing to bend the rules of what the kid ate, so long as the kid ate SOMETHING reasonable at mealtime (hence more choice), and the other parent who actually wanted to be firmer about offering what was on the table and letting it go at that. We veered toward the first approach (that parent was more persuasive!) and I think in retrospect it was a huge mistake. That particular child of ours had terrible eating habits for a good handful of years. She eventually outgrew them, but I think it was a mistake to have caved to her preferences. (Saltines and water for lunch!)

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  4. For us, at that age, well... it's hard to quite remember at Snowdrop's age... but in the preschool years (2-3, and I think more of W because he was our more rational child and things in general are easier to remember-- it was a lot less hectic than when H was that age), I think we gave him choices about the things that didn't matter. And honestly-- as rational as he was, if you didn't give him the right spoon at age 2, he would have a meltdown... and that is an example of an inconsequential matter he had a choice in that gave him a sense of control in his life. Of course we don't and didn't cave into their whims in many areas. Not everything is a choice and they don't live a very indulgent life (from an American lifestyle perspective). Food being one of the biggies. Breakfast and lunch is more their choice within reason, but dinner is, with very little exception, what we put on the table for them. They're pretty good with that, and in the grand scheme of things, not picky eaters. As to consent-- I mean that I think parents are hoping to raise children who understand that they can say 'no' to a grownup if they don't feel comfortable with something and that they cannot force someone else to comply... so maybe we're trying to model asking and giving them some domain over their own bodies. I also want my boys to understand that they make their own choices and that those choices have consequences. I want them to understand that they don't have to follow the crowd, for example, and that they can change their own behavior, even when they can't change someone else's. I also want them to grow up to feel confident and I think of H, for example, and his confidence in the kitchen. =) I agree-- many of these ends can be achieved through different means. All I am and was trying to do in my previous post is think about why some parents turn things into a question or a choice with their children. I didn't read any parenting book telling me to do it that way. I'm sure I wasn't raised that way, but I also wasn't raised with much of a voice in my household, so maybe I went far in the other direction in response. I'm not sure.

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    1. What you say, regan, makes total sense to me. I think you practice very intuitive parenting. You have a rough idea of the outcomes you want, but you also understand your kids and you don't just follow a trend or a cookie cutter approach. And choice in the context of managing a child's fears or meltdowns is an entirely different thing altogether. I suppose I was assuming (I dont think incorrectly!) in the art class that the parent was more of the Charlotte's description -- someone who thought herself to be just a mouthpiece for what was already there in the child's brain. Letting the child feel his (it was a boy) own special superiority at every step (over the good of the collective) just felt so out of step with what I would like to see in my child or grandchild.

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