How do you compartmentalize the stages of your life? By age? Childhood, adolescence, young adulthood, middle age, senior years? If you have kids, is it simply "before and after?" For me, it changes over time. It used to be: Poland, New York, Poland, the United States. But that last period has filled three quarters of my life, so I've now subdivided it -- by the moves I've made in my life. There have been seventeen. Is that a lot? I dont know... how many have you had in your long or not yet long life?
My moves have always been game changers. They weren't merely a shift in residence. they were an upheaval. Whether it was from my grandparents' village house to Warsaw, or from Chicago to Madison, they brought with them monumental changes.
And this move? Yeah, it's a big one. It's the most unexpected one and coming as late in life as it did, it comes with the greatest set of unknowns. A move into uncertainty!
And yet, it's not that at all. Whereas at other times, my relational or familial status changed with very many of the moves, this time, at a personal level, not a whole lot changes. My family, my friends? Same. Ed? Aiming for better actually!
I woke up not exactly refreshed, having worked on unpacking until way past midnight. Why?? I am so tired. Why push myself? Well, this has been the issue all along -- when I see something can be done to beautify my surroundings, I do it. If I can come closer to that higher level of perfection (snipped lilies, pulled weeds, clipped branches), I'll kill myself to get it done so that I can look up and smile at the results. Last night, I'd walk past a box and think -- let me just unpack this one. And then again -- let me just put the pants away... how hard can that be?
Finding the sweetness in all this -- after a long and anxious day, in those late hours I felt just a little bit happy. It was great to see Ed, to drive him to the farmhouse, to hold hands again, to make plans for the next day, to stay with the good. And this morning, again I took note of the good: since I have windows facing nothing much, I kept the shades up and since the bed is by the window, I woke up to a view of the sky. The cloud formations, the wisps of pastel hues from a sunrise somewhere to my left. The bed was comfortable. The sleep was again too short, but what there was of it, was solid.
And again I set about putting things away, with a level of compulsion that shouldn't surprise me.
(a proper time for a t-shirt that says e solo questione di organizzazione!)
I suppose the compulsion comes from an overreaction to the chaos that I left at the farmette. Here, I even lined up the contents of the medicine cabinet. In soldier rows, correcting anything that got out of line. Everything has to be immaculate and orderly. And no excess! If I haven't used it in recent years, it should not be here.
Eventually I pause for breakfast.
What can I say -- the location of this apartment building isn't ever going to be anything but convenient to my daughter's home. It's a concrete world out there. Sure, walking distance to better things, but even though I see trees out my window, nature is not at my fingertips. This is a shame. After the farmhouse, this absence of the natural world is a huge change. No flowers on the balcony will make up for the absence of a view toward the crabapple, absence of the sound of birds, absence of a country fragrance that we always had just by stepping outside.
But maybe I have to get used to this: if in my really old age I'm slated to live downtown (at my preferred senior residential and care complex), well that's even worse! Here, I am close to the quiet world. I am at the edge of town. Ha, I am at the Edge!
On a trivial level, I also really find it hard to throw away discarded bits of produce. At the farmhouse, our compost bucket is full all the time. Our compost piles are huge. It's hard, really hard to switch to an urban way of throwing everything into the trash can.
But here's good news: by late afternoon, I am done with unpacking! Decided to move on Monday, found a place, packed up, had movers the following Wednesday and now, on Sunday I'm done! There is more than enough space for my belongings, even if I have given over the entire second closet to kid toys. I vow to myself that I will never bring in anything without first removing a comparable item from here. Accumulated stuff just creeps up on you and before you know it you've lost control. No more tchotchke additions. No more added forks from my travels. If anything, I can subtract even more! My next move has to be easier than this one!
And as I finish up, I have visitors! My daughter and Snowdrop are out walking and they swing by to check things out.
A huge compliment is that Snowdrop wants to stay as her mom says "time to go." Normally I would have volunteered to zip her back later, but I'm tired, and Ed will be coming soon.
And he does come soon. He has been spending all day cleaning the farmhouse. The irony is not lost on me of course, but then Ed views things very differently from me: the absence of furniture, of stuff pleases him. He is eager to get rid of even more -- perhaps the bed? And just keep the mattress? I remind him that as we get older, getting up from the floor becomes more of a challenge. Still, the guy is on a roll.
We talk about the future of the garden. He absolutely cannot keep it going and I absolutely do not want to work so hard, certainly not on the three acres of farmette lands. He thinks turning it into more orchard and meadow will require less maintenance. Good luck with that. Still, I don't blame him for worrying about what to do now that I'm no longer willing to put in the time.
In the apartment he helps me set up the TV without cable service. Yay. Be done with that and spend less money in the process. He then builds the most complicated bookshelf on the planet...
And together we figure out the height for me to put in nails for artwork. When he leaves (the hens are waiting!), I look around me. Yes, there's still a missing item here and there but basically, I'm done! Tomorrow, I start just being here.
with so much love...
