I feel that if I worked round the clock, I still would not accomplish all that I have to do. Usually people dont decide to move, to find an apartment, arrange for the move, supplement it with all the things you need for it, set up accounts, policies, wavers, pack up most of their belongings and get going, all in the space of one week. At the age of 72. Alone.
It is hard to explain (especially to Ed) why I needed to act with such insistence and speed. Here's why: our divisive issue is so fundamental that I cannot imagine sharing days with him unless we reach an agreement. It seems very phony otherwise. Like I'm doing it for comfort and ease. It turns out that I do have fundamental values and that I would rather wreck my stability and my contentedness than abdicate my core beliefs. I'll die poor but at peace, knowing that the principles that have guided me all my life were essential. They shaped my behavior at every turn. they helped me make choices. (Ed would argue the same: his core beliefs are fundamental to his life.)
This morning, after stepping out to feed the animals...
...he and I sat on the porch over breakfast, together...
And I repeated all this to him, and he explained his beliefs to me once again, and we both agreed that we were at the extremes of a continuum -- he on one end of it, I on the other. I'm sure he wishes I would budge. Indeed, he tells me -- but I dont want you to do anything for me, at all, ever! I put up with it, because it seems to be important to you. He is correct. It is. And I wont change, because I believe mine is the good way to be, the right way, doing least harm and conferring greatest benefits to all.
In the meantime, I'm making moving decisions left and right. It's reassuring to know that I can still multitask! I haven't totally let go of that skill set that allowed me to parent, work, volunteer, cook, clean, garden, etc etc all my adult years.
And in the afternoon, I pick up first Sparrow, then Snowdrop.
You may think I should plead a mental health day (or, more appropriately, a packing day) and skip kid care, but of course, anything and anyone that can take my mind off of The Move is a godsend.
I try not to play the game of "this is the last time." I take in the scene I have had before me for so many years and I smile. Yeah, a bit wistfully, but still, the smile has to be there.
One more talk with Ed before we catch a little sleep. We'll be up at 3 to go to the airport. And then comes the serious packing for me.
with so much love...
