I've received now a bunch of emails from very confused readers: One day all is good, farmette life is the best, the next day you move out. What gives?
I realize that this is perplexing. I understand I dont provide details and so you're left scratching your heads. Was it good, or was it not good? So let me at least respond to that: the life that Ed and I built for ourselves was good. Very, very good. Happy. Brimming with contentment!
But it came at a price -- one that neither of us wanted to face, because what for? We understood from the very beginning that we were very different and that our bond was sort of strange. How many times did I have to repeat here that we have very little in common? On small issues we found ways around this. Neither of us are confrontational, both would rather adjust than push our own wants. In retrospect, we'd swept too many things under the carpet. And so when a big question arose concerning our expectations going forward (into our very senior years, as opposed to just senior years!), and I sensed that we would not be able to resolve this in the same calm way we've resolved other issues -- it's just too big, too ever present, too fundamental -- I moved out.
Since then, we have stepped back and we've put on the table this and all other things that we've neglected and refused to face. We've spent hours on sorting through them. On trying to see how far apart we really are. And of course, it turns out that we always come back to this: there is a platform on which we do stand together.
However, since I took this drastic step that in the end forced us to have these conversations, we've found that there is something appealing in creating our own habitable spaces. And especially for me -- there is something appealing in not living in an old house, and with endless dust and cobwebs and gardens and orchards and prairies and wood groves and cats and chickens and all the rest. In my very senior years, I know I cannot manage it all, and I do mind the chaos. I do not like losing control over the farmhouse and gardens. And I do not like spending so much time trying to keep it going.
So where does this leave us? Well, as they say, at the heart, Ed and I are still together. The love is there. We still want to continue sharing it. But how?
No decisions need be made right now. Much can change of course (have you noticed??), but we're thinking that in a year, when my lease is up, I'll move much closer to Ed, but not to the farmhouse, so that we can go back and forth with ease and frequency.
It is true that this was supposed to be the arrangement all along! He in his sheep shed, me in the farmhouse. Separate, but together. But then, he got comfortable (to an extent) in the farmhouse, and I got comfortable (to an extent) with having him there, and suddenly we were spending all our time in the same space, one that I couldn't keep up with, and one that he felt was too "not him."
It is unfortunate that there is now a 15 minute drive between our homes. And here's the other thing -- most of the stuff we can do together is closer to the farmette, because that's where we build our common interests. That's where we hiked, skied, biked. It's where we mingled with the feline beasts, where we found so much pleasure in listening to the silence of a gentler world while sitting on the porch. So you can see who is likely to be doing the commuting!
Time is precious when you are in your seventies. Really precious. It's tough to do a reset now and yes, I have wondered if I was right to force this on us. But if it had to happen, I think it's good that it happened now and not, say, when we were closer to 80. And the downsizing that came with it was fabulous! Do I miss him? Oh God, yes! In a million ways. I hope so very much that this year is a transition to something more stable, where we can live "together," but without total overlap. And that we both will be the winners for it.
Okay, did that help?
This morning -- so hot, so beautifully sunny, so... unseasonable! -- I am up and out rather quickly. Ed and I have made plans to eat breakfast together once again and then go to the farmers market downtown. I get to the farmette in good time...
... but we dawdle over breakfast...
And so we scoot over to the market at 10 -- meaning at its most crowded moment. Me on Rosie, Ed tailing me on his old Honda. We both have shopping lists in our heads. Same items! Carrots, peas, broccoli, potatoes, apples, pears. With an addition of flowers for me.
We confuse the vendors by asking that each order be split in two. Shopping together, but for separate kitchens. Yes, it felt weird. We are still getting used to this new arrangement. Testing it out.
From there -- to Madison Sourdough. A little for Sparrow, a bit for me, a bit for Ed. Gone are the days where we both chomp away at croissants in the morning. We're on an oatmeal and granola kick right now. Still, he likes the bread, I like the occasional bite of a cinnamon roll.
And at the farmhouse? He needs a beard trim.
And then I go home, missing him, but loving my home nonetheless.
I have just one or two more deliveries coming in. One is entirely the fault of Sparrow who claimed the kid room/guest room needs a quiet corner, a.k.a. a bean bag! It is a huge mistake to do online shopping with the boy by your side, giving his opinion at every click. We had finally settled on what seemed okay from my point of view. The bean bag came today and it is huge! And frankly, the chances of the kids using it are... small (though on this point, I could be wrong). I write that off as my last purchasing folly. I've learned. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to try hard to fit that monster back into a box to send it back.
In the evening I finally make the soup I've been meaning to make since I came here. It's not the weather for soup, but I need to have something to reheat each evening, something that is actually nutritious, because the salad and cheese menu is getting a little old. And yes, I'll take some over to Ed tomorrow. It's not that I'm cooking for him, but so long as I'm making this, why not just put in a few more of everything for him?
with so much love...
