Why does the search for something better always have to be so complicated?
I left the farmette in September because I believed that something had to change. That the status quo was unsustainable, especially in the long run, as we aged. A month later, I believed I had room for a large dog in my life. Then I realized that the move to the Edge and the coming of Henry were a bad match. A move, closer to Ed, and another dog followed -- to make things easier for me, for Henry.
Whatever adding Sadey did for Henry or for her, it did not make my life a whole lot easier. True, Henry is no longer bored. Keeping him busy is not as difficult as it was before she came onto the scene. That's an improvement for sure! Just as the Edge was an improvement for me, and Sally's House was an improvement for both. But the cost!
A normal person would ask -- was all this worth it? But I don't look at it in this way. You don't ask "was having kids -- the most complicating event of your life -- worth it." It's a dumb question. You love your kids to pieces, you work hard to give them a good life, you can't imagine it being otherwise. And in that great expanse of time devoted to them, you find tiny pockets of time for yourself, knowing full well that, say, a person like Ed who has no children, has all the time in the world for himself, owing none of it to anyone else. You don't pity him, you don't envy him. You chose this path, he chose another. You build on yours, on your decisions, you seek improvements. Some will be success stories, others -- well, they'll need more adjustments and improvements. To question that first step you took (to have kids, to move out) is just nonsensical. It was and will be the right decision for you. You take it from there.
I thought about this on this day, March 8th. International Women's Day. Ostensibly Henry's 1-year old birthday, though I am beginning to think that these rescue dog birthdays are pure fiction. And Daylight Savings Time is upon us.
When we switched clocks in November, I realized that by Henry's clock, I would not get to sleep to my regular wake up time (around 7:30) until March. He was just un-switchable. And sure enough, today the pups "woke me" just after 7:30. It was delightful to see sunshine streaming into the room. No gloomy walk for us, right pups?
Well, maybe not gloomy, but just a little frustrating. I think Henry adjusted to the move just fine, given that it was an upgrade from his limited space at the Edge and certainly an upgrade from the elevator terror. But I see that the move did have a small price tag (in addition to the very big price tag in terms of dollars and cents): at the Edge, Henry had his potty breaks all mapped out. He was so good at getting to it quickly that we never had to walk more than halfway around the building to get him to sniff out his perfect spot. Here, he is easily distracted. He doesn't have a favorite spot. The scents aren't ones that are familiar. The dogs aren't ones he recognizes. And of course, there is the possibility of head-on contact with strangers. Not a large possibility, but a small one, with large consequences. And so I have to admit it -- walks with him, once we are outside, are far less straightforward than they were at the Edge. There, I was on alert coming in and out of the building and in and out of the elevator. Here, I am working on calming him when there are people (keep them distant for now, create pleasure), and getting him used to the scents of his new neighborhood. (Walks with Sadey are tough on the arm muscles, but slightly less of a mental effort because she's not a holy terror when there are people, though also harder because if he takes a while, she takes forever!)
I suppose when we move to Steffi's House, I'll have the same reaction: it will be so much nicer to take them for walks there -- no big construction projects all around, open spaces to look out on as the seasons change -- and of course, there will be a fenced yard to let them out in. But how will that sit with the neighbors? Will they bark every time the adjacent people go in and out? These are not cute pups that will greet you with a wag and a smile. They are big dogs that have big barks. My only consolation is that in this development, people do not really have yards to hang out in. They are small strips of grass and shrubs that you rarely use for any leisure purposes. Some of the larger properties at the peripheries of the development have larger yards, but Steffi''s House is not one of those. So they wont be disturbing anyone's picnic or child's play. It's not that kind of a yard space. Nonetheless, I anticipate improvements with the move, but also the need for adjustments -- ones that I will recognize only once we are there.
Breakfast is calm, but I eat late. I first want to introduce them to two matching toys. Stuffies. A duck that has been Henry's from the get go, one in which he has only mild interest. I gave Sadey an almost identical one. And then two new squeakies -- a small hedgehog for him and a matching but different in color one for her. I knew he'd like this one. Small and tossable. Just his style. I monitored this closely, occasionally pointing her to her toys and his to his.
Sadey was delighted with her hedgehog and initially he was delighted with his. Eventually though, he let go of his and watched her play with hers. When she'd put it down and walked away, he was there "borrowing" it. I'd switch and give her his. This switching with my help continued for a while. On the upside, they did play nicely with toys in each others presence.
But we are very far from a toy free for all. Henry's watchfulness over her play is not a red light, but certainly a yellow one. I cannot yet leave them even with these two identical toys without oversight and a readiness to step in at the first sign of trouble.
Fortunately there was no trouble and eventually they settled to rest and I had my moments with breakfast and a book.
Nap time continued. Bach cantatas accompanied the peaceful remainder of the morning.
The rest of the day needed a pivot. I was to make dinner for the young family but we decided in the end that it would just be too chaotic: Snowdrop has her final performance of Henry IV that will last until early evening. It is one that I really should attend, but I can't because I dont feel good about leaving the dogs to themselves yet. Not for four hours anyway. We're getting closer, but yesterday's morning yowl made me believe that not close enough yet. Too, she can be crated, but he cannot. How do I proceed? Leave her in, but him out? That seems weird. Both out? Risky! So for now, I'm stuck with not leaving them at all, except briefly, one at a time, when I walk the other.
And speaking of walks, in the afternoon, I have two assignments: to do a good training walk with Henry (redirect, relax) and then I have a booked return with both dogs to the private dog park. It's a beautiful day for it and I am glad I have the opportunity to set them free for 45 minutes of unrestricted play and heavy duty exercise.
The training walk goes very well. We see across the street people several times. I keep our distance, I feed him treats, he barks once only and then relaxes. We are on our way to calming him down! It will take many, many weeks of this, but at least we are on our way!
The park? Oh, lovely! They always start off with a chase. This is where I have to watch out: they can easily come crashing at me.
When they're still into the chase, my best option is to sit on a bench and watch. Or read! There was a time when I felt it was my job to make sure their play doesn't escalate. If one dog (usually Sadey) was the more assertive player, then I should make sure the other (Henry) doesn't get trounced. But recently I've been reading some pretty authoritative stuff on dog play and I see that you have to be more sure of your premise before you intervene. You could well disrupt their signal giving and their agreed to terms of play by inserting yourself unnecessarily. (If you're interested, you can read just one summary here.) Rough play is not going to lead to aggression. Not if you observe the dogs and see the type of behaviors that clearly signal "this is play, we know what we're doing."
(Henry, what are you doing??)
In the evening Ed comes over for a dinner of fish and asparagus and a salad. It's a standard menu for us. I love it, he likes it alright. The dogs? They can't wait for the fish skin handout! (At the end, in their dishes.)
It's easy to think about and list the challenges that all these changes have brought forth, especially with these two dogs in this new home for us. But have I neglected too much reminding you and me of the joys? Spring is just around the bend. In another month or so I'll have pots of pansies outside. A few more weeks after that and I'll take my breakfast outside. It's not much of a view from the Sally's House porch. Indeed, it's rather miserable: all garage doors plus a construction site. Still, it is outside. And for now, taking the dogs out instantly, just by opening the door, is marvelous! Not worrying about the noise they make inside, watching them develop boundaries and a mutual respect for each other -- magnificent. And there is always one (or two!) right next to me on the couch. Ed is a stone's throw away. Lots of challenges. Lots of joy.
with love, of course...
