Testing the Patience of Travelers

A bright, warm day in Madison and the Midwest. A bright, cold day in Connecticut. A child (figuratively speaking) leaves the shelter of her little nest in Madison to travel to the mean and menacing Connecticut. Flights are cancelled. Others are delayed. Why? Who knows. It’s a conspiracy. No explanations. Eventually, many many hours later she arrives in Connecticut. But her suitcases do not. Reminiscent of last week, when her sister’s suitcases were distributed all over interesting ports of call, none of them, however, coinciding with the destination of said sister.

What’s a traveler to do? Nothing. You can do nothing but wait and kiss up to the endless people you will be talking to in order to find out where your belongings are at the moment. I teach about lawsuits and harms and damage awards for emotional distress, but I know that this is not the answer. The answer is this: we should quit flying with suitcases. We should don layers of clothing that we want to travel with and not pack anything. We should leave baggage handlers to twiddle their thumbs in boredom. We should get the bag inspectors to beg us for their business (I may allow one exception—I may give a bag to Joe, the guy who inspected Ca’s bags today at the airport. He was so nice. His kid goes to college too – studying to be a psychologist. I want to support him. The rest –I haven’t met and so I refuse to worry about).

Anyone who does not agree has not had the pleasure of speaking to Simon, the voice-activated robot that answers for United Airlines lost baggage claims. You should call Simon. He’s toll free. You’ll want to squash his little robotic brains out.