I had a debate with the kids yesterday in the car -- isn't April the best month of the whole lot of them? That was my position. Perhaps not the first half of the month. Not in south central Wisconsin. But once you've filed your taxes (April 17th this year), you are on the path to the sublime.The kids argued in favor of May. I get it. May is beautiful. May is warmer. May is colorful. But that first blush of the growing season is downright inspirational!
Only today doesn't feel especially inspirational. After bouncing around in all directions, the temps settled down to a cool range that feels more like early March. And this is the day I'm to place Sadey in her new digs. It's a gut wrenching move for me, driven more by my aversion to risk, rather than my conviction that this is absolutely the best move for her. I think it is, but I can't be sure. Which makes me feel awful. Because what if it isn't? What if her new people dont love her as much as I do?
I take her for a longer morning walk than usual. To the bike path and prairie fields that spill out toward the farmette. There was a prairie burn here a few days ago. Sadey takes in these new surroundings.
This is as close as she will ever get to the farmhouse, which is sad for me. Though I suppose no dog will ever feel at home there. Ed has stuff scattered all over. Not in a dog friendly fashion. And of course, the cats rule there now -- all three (Dance, Unfriendly, and Pancake) regard it as their domain. Three cats that do not want to make friends with any human (aside from Ed and me), let alone a dog.
At home, Sadey and I go through our breakfast routine...
And then we do her version of a photo session. Henry sat still for a photo shoot. Sadey runs and jumps and cavorts all over the place, regarding this as a joyful event, all about play rather than some silly picture taking moment.
(How about some selfies, little pup? I can't stop photographing you today...0
She rests next to me, we go out for another walk, I give her a favorite toy to lick and then we head for her new place.
(the famous Sadey smile)
I wont expound on the sadness that I feel -- different than the overwhelming grief I had with Henry, but no less intense. Sadness at not having her on the couch next to me. Sadness of not burying my face in that wonderful smell that is uniquely hers. Sadness because she loved me and I loved her. Sadey Sweetness, Sadey Sadness -- one and the same for me.
I go to the farmhouse, I hang out with Ed, leaning heavily on his shoulder., I return home. Yukky empty place without a dog in sight. Quiet and lifeless. April coming in with a slump.
On the upside, the farmette showed me the first daffodil in full bloom.
And a Lenten Rose..
Sigh... I do have great hopes for the girl. I must. And there will be a dog here soon. Not a rescue, because I just cant face another traumatized pup. Their anxieties have overwhelmed me. Turns out I'm not made of hard stuff after all. I'd make a lousy foster parent to canines. Letting go is not a skill I possess.
with so much love...
