new ice, old ice

The day after. Empty campus. Cold office. No good mail, piles of paper, exams to read. I walk over to the College Library to pick up some books. I linger over the new collection. I'm leafing through a volume titled “All the Money in the World.” I’m on the chapter about whether money brings happiness.

Not surprisingly, most rich people think it does not. Most rich people, I think, don’t remember what it’s like to be not rich, in the same way that I do not really remember what it’s like to live in a poor country: I only recall I felt like Nina then and feel like Nina now. Troubled by everything and nothing. Is it that you only notice deprivation when others count on you for a better life?


Outside, I note that Lake Mendota is getting that sheen of ice cover. Not thick yet, not rippled, not covered with snow. Dangerously new, not solid. Kind of like a fresh relationship – the one you shouldn’t feel too comfortable with. Time hasn’t thickened the skin yet. Everything is new. Everything is shiny. Everything is fragile.





I drive to the other lake, the one with the bay at the side, The one favored by the ice fishers. And they are there. Doug-in, safe, on ice-covered snow.




It's good to be able to count on that sheet of ice growing solid. It doesn't cost much to hang out its surface and hope for a fish to make its way into the bucket. You're alone. You let someone else fix supper and welcome you at the end of the day.

The world is different depending on where you throw your stool.

Day dreams

The Eve is like the very end of a mad race. I'm almost there! Almost, but not quite. Hurry up, get it done, do it right, it's a big one, do it well, watch your step, it matters!

But the Day (Christmas Day) forgives it all. It’s too late to feel the burden of wanting to be a better human being. You've arrived, you're settling in at the theater. You can't change a thing. Turn on the lights, throw on the bacon, wake the kids (not kids anymore, but oh well, they're sleeping nonetheless) and let it all roll forward.

A snowflake on spice cake. It doesn’t make an appearance every year. Sometimes we just don’t have time. This year, a daughter did the cut-out and there it was.






I used to love Christmas Eve to pieces, but with time, I’ve switched. It’s the Day that holds the greatest bounty. When did the change happen? When I realized that watching my girls do a puzzle together is possibly the most beautiful sight in the world? (I’m watching them now.)


In the early afternoon, I go to the sheepshed to touch base with the person who has never thought much about holidays. The approach is always lovely...





...and more often than not, you can watch wild things (gobble gobble) move in and out of the forest.






We take a walk up the Nature Conservancy path just up the road and round the bend. The drifts of snow are deep enough to wet my pants and send icy coldness into my boots.




No matter. The sun is out and everything feels fresh. A dog runs to us across a frozen sheet of snow. Tail wagging, tongue out, a moving picture of exuberant joy. It’s a great stretch of land, isn’t it? -- her owner reflects.




The evening is food based. Cornish hens, causing the smoke detector to shriek, Yule log, requiring a loosening of the pants.





The sun has set on a beautiful sky of pumpkin clouds. The stars come out in twos, threes, then dozens, as we walk down to see a late show. I sip an espresso and listen to the clever dialogue of people way younger than you or I ("Juno"). And that's a good thing, because I want to believe that the younger generation will be more clever and witty and wise than any of us is, or was ever destined to be.

We laugh hard, and some of us sniffle now and then and on the walk back to the condo, we proclaim it to be a fine Christmas.

Goodnight sweet, forgiving Day. You're the best.

be merry

Look away from the crowds, keep your purse shut tight, walk past all stores that advertise long shopping hours, smile your way down the grocery aisles. Be merry.

No photos for you tonight. Oh, okay, of the tree. In its wonderful simplicity and splendor.





One more. Of Christmas Eve, from my rooftop.

storm passes

Between 2 and 3 at night (I listened), there was a shift. The warm(ish) misty air gave way to freezing rain, then snow, then winds, then plummeting temps. It all happened within a minute. Maybe two.

I could tell this morning: a storm came, racked havoc, moved on.

Looking out, I could see it all: the ice, the snow, the wind, the passage of time. Fury diffused.

In my pajamas still, I drove toward the lake.

Does a chill in the air always follow a storm?








At dusk, I drove out into the country. The storm, never satisfied with just one hit, came back with a sweeping fury of snow and wind. I would mind none of this if only I could be assured that storms are a passing thing. That they aren’t the norm.

In the meantime, I battle them. I cultivate indifference and pretend that tomorrow, I’ll hardly notice. My personality will be transformed. Happiness will come from within, not from some freak meteorological condition out there, in the brooding skies of December.

café thoughts

Isn’t it true that most people view themselves as being quite independent, carving their own path, listening to some internal voice rather than conforming to the (petty) demands of others?

It seems that the time you most like to do your own thing is when what is expected is too annoying, too displeasing, uncomfortable, grating.


If you place two individuals in the same room and both view themselves as being extraordinarily independent, what happens? Maybe you’ll have formed your perfect partnership -- something like the movie version of Lillian Hellman and Dashiell Hammett, or, digging deeper, maybe Virginia and Leonard Woolf?

Off the screen and out of the manuscript, all I see is conflict. Individualism presupposes a certain degree of stubbornness, no? And if no one bends, then, unless you’re both on the same planet with your individualism (and it can happen, but how likely is that?), you’re going to be running past each other all the time.

Anyway, this season makes me think that individualism is way overrated.

Typically I write the post to fit the photo. Today, they’re independent of each other. I guess.



(at the café: brother and sister; he's killing targets on his Apple; she's dreaming)

dense

The day is hidden. Out of reach. Unrecoverable.

Layered in heavy, wet fog.

I bake, I move from one corner of the room to another, I listen.

In the late afternoon, I drive out to the sheepshed. How to photograph fog? Each of us will “see” it differently. To me, it is best recognized in the infinite nothingness of a white field, blending into the equally white air around it.

In the center of all that emptiness, I can see a tree and a half. Because half of it seems to have collapsed.

So, a tree and a half, in fog, for Ocean.






Oh, and a partridge in a pear tree. Make it a robin in a peach tree. Same diff.

sharing space

Field notes

Two animals, crossing a field. Seemingly not aligned in any formal way. But not at odds with each other either. One looks up, takes note of the other, but remains still. The other takes steps forward.





Their paths cross, then diverge. And neither is afraid. No communication there, no, not at all. Just an acknowledgement and then movement forward. Perfect, don’t you think?


City lights

It’s rare that I find myself on State Street in the winter after dark. It’s rarer that I do something so seemingly urban as “a dinner and a show.” Indeed, some years ago I turned from being a frequent concert goer to being a never concert goer. Something to do with the Madison venue and, let’s face it, age.

Tonight I did it all: I went from fields of deer and wild turkeys and farmettes with overgrown raspberry canes, to city lights and glitzy drinks and wet sidewalks that, for once looked quite beautiful on this December night.





One thing you do well if you’re an immigrant is move effortlessly between different environments. From sheepshed to State Street. No problem.

ice and a decorated tree

Measuring accomplishment.

Lake Mendota is slowly succumbing to ice. Look here at the progression of it:






How do you mark progress? Beauty?

In the evening we created thisyear's fantasy of glitter and light.






Warmth, color. Good things. Obviously, good things.

Wishing everything else was as obvious.

finches, frothy milk and raiders of the food dish

Up before dawn to finish work on an exam. Yawn. Tired. Revive with streaming sunlight. Loving every bit of sun rays in the morning. I flip through NYT pages on the web and read stories about sunlight, animals and tipping your doorman. I don’t have a doorman, but I now have a concierge. He can do a lot to help us toddle through the day. But realistically, mostly he just sits there.

A long long visit to the dentist. I sign a release: I understand that laughing gas will make me not care about anything. For three hours, I did not care about anything. I tested myself by feeding all sorts of images where normally I may have fretted and felt great anxiety and concern. Now? Didn’t care! Impressive.

After, I made my first trip of the holiday reasons to the mall. I spent all my money in one store and left.

Just outside the Law School, I encountered a whole gaggle of carrot bellied birds nibbling on crimson crabs. Finches, no?





Toward dusk, I made my way to a favorite café by the water’s edge. It’s a little out of the way for most students. Which is not necessarily a bad thing. Their stress becomes your stress if you share space too long.

I drank a cappuccino which had a frothy milk layer the size of a hornet’s nest.

Outside, the snow took on dusky tones of blue; in the distance, our town shone in splendid orange hues.






A squirrel was doing her best to jiggle out some seed from the birdfeeder. You couldn’t help but applaud her audacity, even if, just a while back, you may have been rooting for the finch family.




At home, the still empty Christmas tree drank all the water in the large dish.

Some days are composed of big things, some are not.

holiday scramble

Mine is intensifying. Though it’s really not just about the holidays. As for so many, I am swamped by demands at work and at home and none are likely to let up in the next two weeks.

It is especially gratifying to see light, any light, but in this case, morning light playing magic interludes on the world outside.

tableau

The Sunday before the Sunday before. It’s classic. The family comes tomorrow. I am scrambling to get the condo up to snuff. I scrub every surface. Ed pushes a very serviceable and efficient vacuum. I look out. Why does daylight disappear so quickly? This isn’t Estonia! Since when does dusk fold in at four?

We drive to the sheepshed so that he can get the truck shoveled free of snow. We’ll load the tree and drive it to the condo.

Except that the truck is stuck in drifts of snow and ice.

It’s no use, he tells me.

And I want to shake him: what do you mean, no use? The tree must go up, the holiday season must push forward, the family starts trickling in tomorrow. No use is not an option.

We try again. Ed pushes the truck, as I rock it back and forth. We get it past the ice and accumulated snow. (I wonder why I am wearing sensible shoes rather than warm and comfy boots. My feet are so cold!) We carry the tree and roll it into the back of the pick up.

I think this is as close as I can get to an American tableau (in my mind’s eye): a snow bank, a pick-up truck, a Christmas tree. A quarter moon, the stillness of a snow-covered field, the face of a cat staring at you from the sheepshed window.

We drive back to the condo and eat sushi.

Like I said, a classic.



the one left behind, in the field

raspberry canes

All day long, Ed and I are lost in computer work. I have a stack of projects that would benefit from his help and we plod through these more or less successfully, with more or less good cheer.

Some have to do with Ocean (soon – I’ll say more on this soon; days maybe. Or months, who can tell…), some have a more general application. The fact is that they swallow us and they swallow the day, and it is like when you were a kid, working on something in your flannels and suddenly, you look up and see that it is getting dark and you haven’t even taken yourself out of the breakfast mindset yet.

As dusk turns to night darkness, I have mild regrets that I hadn’t even stepped out with my camera, just to take a shot of the flakes coming down all day long.

Ed’s Geo ’93 is not meant for winter weather and so I drive him to his sheepshed in the sturdier, equally old Corolla. At the farmette, he makes his way to the shed. I hang back and look around. I see a herd of deer in the distance, but I know that they will outrun me. The slightest crunch of snow will send them flying into the woods.

I walk slowly toward the fields and watch them scamper off.

Turning around, I see the lights on at the shed. Ed is feeding his cats. I look around at the snow covered land. So still. Everything is so still. Wait, is there a shadow in the hugely overgrown raspberry patch?




I move closer. No stirring at all. It’s as if the little doe feels herself to be arrested, mesmerized by the canes, by my presence, by the little flashing camera… There. I am by her side. Snow is falling and my shutter finger is getting darn cold.





She is knee-deep in snow. Her skinny legs seem to be buckling down, stuck in the drift between the raspberry canes.





I am so very close now. She heaves her body against the canes and moves a dozen feet away. I brake down canes and follow. She waits, watching. My camera is not my friend. I try settings. It takes time. I am fighting the blackness of the night and I know she will soon lose patience with me. Besides, my fingers are absolutely frozen. Still, I try again.





Too many canes in front of her beautiful frame. Let me gently push them aside. I can touch her now, but I do not. I wont take advantage of her generosity. I wont hug her, run my fingers down her snow-dusted back, touch the space between her eyes and nose . Just one last photo and I’ll be gone. Really.





My camera battery is low, my finger is completely numb. She looks around one last time and makes her way through the bushes, out into the open space. I follow, just to watch and she waits for me to catch up. But the minute I am out in the clearing, she saunters off. This is her space now. Her freedom. I have had my minutes in the midst of the canes. She is done with me. Off she goes, in search of the pack.

naturally

Ahhh, birches! Estonia, right? No, I’m back in Madison (you can tell by the snow). Where the natural world is as close as the next block or so.






People say to me that I travel with a hefty load of good luck. My flights rarely get cancelled, I sit in good places on the plane, my suitcases arrive in a timely way. My response? Oh, I am not always so lucky. Describing the misadventures would be a blog in itself. But that’s a “so what” topic. Everyone has their share of bad experiences. What new things can be said about them?

With the exception of French trains (which I do love) I neither love nor hate the getting there. I much prefer the destination. Travel, to me, requires a lot of waiting and I’ve grown used to it. There is not much you can do but accept it.

Sometimes, I have a confluence of irksome details – I had it on the flight from Amsterdam to Detroit last night: the person next to me was sick and used much of my space to make herself comfortable. The child across the aisle threw up before they closed the cabin door and, as a result, the attendants dragged her and the protesting mother off the plane, denying passage (a doctor’s okay would have to be procured before she would be allowed to board a later flight). A child of another family right in front of me screamed (not cried, screamed) nonstop for two hours, until the attendant told her and the mom and grandma to please make an effort to shut her up. To which the two adults responded – we can’t help it, the video is not working, she’s bored. Ah.

I think I mind all the raucousness less than some. Of course, I would have minded very much if my copassanger threw up on me or if I caught her incurable disease, but otherwise, it all just set me thinking – about poor babies being held accountable for their unsettled tummies and lucky adults who can hide their imperfections better, about mothers’ responsibilities to their children, about crowded planes and broken audio equipment and days where you felt lucky to get a bag of peanuts to keep you entertained on a long flight. It wasn’t always as luxurious up there in the skies as people would like to tell you now.

True, at the end of the nine hour flight, I reached the point where I was enduring rather than not minding it all, but still, it was a small price to pay for a safe arrival and a return home from a wonderful trip.

And really, I would not mind getting on a plane tomorrow for an equally tedious journey if it would put me in a place that’s new and interesting, with endless hours of walking, photographing, capped by warm food and a nice place to rest.

On the other hand, it really is nice to be now in Madison, at a season when it’s splendid to be home with people you love.

from Tallinn, Estonia: walls

Was I appearing displeased with the weather? No, after the brief showers of the first day, the weather has been easy. Until my last day here. Suddenly it was a problem: bright skies with the occasional puffy cloud, gusts of wintry air, temps, finally, seasonally appropriate for this far north. A real bummer.

I could hardly get myself going. Too daunting. Bright skies? I should be out with my camera. But it’s so cold!!

One way to get yourself moving is to set a reasonable goal, right? For instance: perhaps I should walk the perimeter of the Old Town, hugging the walls. No more, no less than that. Let’s see how vast or how small Medieval Tallinn really was.

The answer: one hour’s worth of walking, with a pause at a store or two.

Photographically speaking, you’re not going to get much from me hugging a wall. Picture after picture revealed yet another fragment of…wall. But it was a valuable exercise nonetheless. In that short expanse of time, I passed a school, a small park, graffiti, beautiful art shops, gates, and stalls of woolen goods, sold by Russian men and women who appeared somewhat bitten by the frost.

So, walk with me. And forgive the monotony of the stroll. Look beyond the crumbing stone.

I start at the gate, right by my hotel:





Then, slip in through this narrow space...





And continue. From the outside, btw, it looks like this:





Sometimes, it seems to grow out of buildings. Or, perhaps they built around it.




And look what is protected within. A school. Kids, thinking about snowmen.





Okay, some more wall. With parks, shops, all of it:










And there you have it. By 2:30 I was cold and my walk was complete. Now, I have plenty of work with me (I aspire to be good and to get things done) and my book could use a few hours (both the one to read and the one to write), but for God’s sake, it’s my last day! I’m to be out of my hotel by 5 a.m. tomorrow! Let me not fritter the last hours here!

Still, it’s so brisk...

I had contemplated doing something completely decadent, like signing up for a spa treatment in town – scrubbed with (Baltic?) salt, wrapped in algae, doesn’t that sound absolutely terrific? Sure, but my travels are decadent in their own right (so says my occasional traveling companion). It cannot be all about pleasure and indulgence.

So I set out to shop for others. There is the market of course. No one back home put in a request for a reindeer sweater (I asked; truly I did). So I went back to my favorite art stores. And chocolate shops.

Tempting?

(I took a trial bite. With tea.)








In the evening I went to eat at a place that wasn’t listed nor recommended, but it had a tempting look and name: the Embassy of Pure Food.




It was the best meal that I had in Estonia. Now mind you, you can't scream and shout at the little things, like service, or warm white wine, or warm-ish potatoes. Those are insignificant things. And maybe Estonians demand that their potatoes be served cool because they have been thus just about everywhere. But what I look for in food is a clever idea and fresh and honest ingredients prepared in a reasonably healthy way. For instance, if you serve sour cream, don’t also serve tons of butter and heavy cream, all fried, on one plate.

The Embassy of Pure Food presented a wonderful seafood appetizer and they actually knew where the scallops came from. And their salmon was yummy (with an artful cabbage chip – who would believe that you can be clever with cabbage?), and the setting -- a restored old building – couldn’t be nicer, and the cost was right down there.







So I leave Estonia with a note on how good the food was. Travel is remarkable in its unpredictability.

from Tallinn, Estonia: the mix

Well, if you can’t take the girl to the village, bring the village to her, right?

In the afternoon I set out for Estonia’s “Ethnographical” Museum (guidebook’s choice of words, not mine). In a mixed pine and deciduous forest by the sea, just outside of Tallinn. Rural houses, moved there so that you and I can get a sense of what life was like for an Estonian some years ago.





You know what makes you feel old? When you visit a museum of years gone by and you realize they are showing habits that were part of your childhood. Yes, it’s true: my grandma (with whom I lived in my early years) cooked on a wood-burning stove, drew water from the well outside and used a kerosene lamp for light, and in first grade, I learned to write dipping a pen into an inkwell. Ah well. One forgets that even in the States, ballpoint pens weren’t common in schools until the mid-sixties.






school kids, learning about their heritage

I had wanted to see the windmills of Estonia in their natural setting (on the island of Saaremaa), but the thought of driving on back roads in the night put me off. And lo, here you have the very same windmills, transported from the island to my own backyard. There, facing the tall bare trees, on the gloomy coast of a dusky, misty Baltic.











Except for two tiny school groups and a handful of others, the entire vast forested area is remarkably empty. As daylight fades, I follow the muddy road from one farmstead to another and chat to the occasional person who has the task of trying to describe the life of an Estonian family from, say, 100 years back.






In the States, when you go to places like Old World Wisconsin (another open air museum depicting life in the rural communities of maybe 150 years ago), you sort of know the shpiel: …and so they dipped string in hot wax and made candles and washed clothes on scrubbing boards, etc etc. It’s something that you want to show your kids when they’re growing up. This is your heritage! This is what took place before Madison had State Street and the Bratfest and the Farmers’ Market!

But here, I’m on new turf. It’s a less familiar world of feudal lords and Finnish influence and I listen with interest because, truthfully, there’s not much about Estonia of 100 years back that is known to me.



It’s completely dark when I finally leave. I take a taxi back to town and I stroll again through the Christmas market. This is the place where the older style has to sell itself. Few people go out to the forest to walk through the farms of a hundred years ago. Most every visitor and certainly every Estonian has made it here, to the old town square where artifacts, with roots in the very homes I visited earlier, are now presented to a worldly mix of shoppers. The woolens, the wooden forks and spoons, old patterns on mittens and socks, now sold mostly by old Russian women (the irony!). Here we are, pushing Estonian artifacts to stay afloat. So that your heritage may stay afloat.






Estonia of the young and restless wants, as Poland wants, to push forward within the European community. Onwards and upwards. To do so, stores must sell and people must buy. Judging from the crowded stores and shopping streets and Happy Xmas signs, it’s doing okay.





I find Katarina Kaik – a back lane where a generation of young artists works in guild-like settings, producing wonderfully fresh, but by my standards, expensive art work for the public.





I can’t get much out of the one or two who are still there, selling their clay works late into the evning. The price of this? You’ll find it on the bottom. Thanks. I was looking at the sign that says DON’T TOUCH! That’s for this shelf of unfinished stuff. Okay. So what time do you open tomorrow? From 11 to six. But it depends. Ah. This is the extent of our conversation.

Next door, there is a much touted by my guide book Italian restaurant, Controvento. It’s run by Estonian Italians and the cooks are from Italy, Peru and Ecuador. I need a break from traditional Estonian fare and so I claim a table in the nicely atmospheric dining room.

Ohhhhh! So this is where new Estonia eats! At the farside table, the dour couple of yesterday is replaced by an animated pair – they could not be more engaged with each other, with life!

Next to me, a striking young woman shares a table with a guy who cannot keep his hands off his mobile. Her other companion looks a little bored with life, but they are swirling wine in the glass and looking as if they have learned the routines of fine wine consumption.





Me, I'm trying to stay with the most Estonian ingredients – salmon carpaccio (it’s Norwegian so that’s close!) and Estonian beef. With a huge wonderfully green and full of veggies salad on the side.








The cost is nearly the same as yesterday’s Estonian meal. But everything about it is tastier. My palate has migrated away from the traditional foods of my childhood years. Sometimes I think wistfully about herring with onion and sour cream and dumplings that my grandmother rolled out on her huge wooden board. But truthfully, I love the utter simplicity of a good cut of meat or a fresh fish dish, touched only by lemon juice and olive oil.

I get up to leave and I catch a conversation of three English businessmen, assessing the markets here. They have invested in Estonia. But it’s a small country and it can only deliver so much. One of the men is behind some coffee empire and he talks of rumors of the coming of Starbucks. Considering the rich culture of café life here, one has to wonder about the audacity of Starbucks, but then, Paris has more than one Starbucks and however much they are scorned by the French in the press, they seem to be staying in business.

Back at the hotel I get on Skype – an Estonian invention. It’s a wired nation alright. Internet and cell phone usage is higher here than in France. People pay for parking using their cell phones. You can even vote online.

Thinking about the day, the post that I have yet to write, the photos that may help push the narrative, I’m feeling the confusion about this place. In much the same way that Poland still sometimes confuses me. In part it has to do with the fast pace of change in both countries. Depending on which decade you were born in, your life’s experiences will be hugely different. And at the same time, in some communities, like for my highlanders in southern Poland and probably in rural areas here, time stands still. For these guys, change means the addition of a phone line and maybe a television. Maybe. And in Estonia, you have an entirely separate introduction of the Russian presence, which confuses the picture even more.

Still, it’s almost time for me to leave Estonia. I’ll do a quick post at the end of Wednesday and catch a very early flight out the next day. It’s good to leave when you’re still scratching your head. You need time to digest the one little piece of the puzzle that's been handed to you. (And the food -- you need time to digest the food as well.)