on this day...

Has it really been 18 years? Me, at 52, hesitating, but finally accepting an invitation from a stranger. Based on the few words I wrote to him and he wrote to me. I took a risk. So did he. We've been together ever since that day, since October 20th, 2005.

And is he really 73 years old today? I did not know this about him then, but I know it now: he is terrific at navigating every unique period of the lifecycle. Knows how to feel grateful rather than demanding better outcomes. How to find pleasure in what you can do rather than grief in what cannot be yours. 

In all this time, we have only had one major blow up. It was big, it was a misunderstanding, emotions flared. Otherwise, for better or for worse, we avoid conflict like the plague. Neither of us came into the game knowing how to properly resolve disputes and so we do the only thing that's left for us: we don't ever argue. This despite our tremendous differences. (Ask him how he feels about Christmas. About travel. About a dirty dish! Mine will be the opposite view.) And, even though I spend so many days in travel without him, I cannot imagine life without him.

Birthdays come and go, but this one, coming after a period of separation, feels special. 

Anniversary, birthday, rolled into one. Reasons to feel happy because, well, that is our job in life -- find those reasons and stay the course. We live in peace, we live in warmth, with food, we live with love for each other, for those in our midst. What else could we possibly need!

Happy anniversary, happy birthday!

Animals first.

I go out to Madison Sourdough then. He loves their bread, the big round one, I love their croissants.

Breakfast, together.

And then we take our ride and walk. It's a cool day but a stunning one! All that sunshine! Where to? Well, the day he and I went to the Arboretum, he had stayed behind after I had to scoot off to get the grandkids. He met the head curator (that's a fun job -- I comment... Yes, he tells me, no one wants to leave it! Since 1935, the Arboretum has had only three curators!) who showed him the handful of pawpaw trees growing there. You know Ed has this thing about pawpaw trees this year! They talked for a long time (there's a lot to be learned about, well, trees in general and pawpaws especially). In the course of this encounter, the guy told Ed that his favorite local path is the Spring Trail that circumnavigates the ponds that feed into Lake Wingra (all this is in downtown Madison). Say what? I never heard of the trail! And neither had Ed. So today we look for it and we find it. Pretty nice for an inner city pathway!

(ponds, fed by springs, emptying into Lake Wingra...)

From here, it's a hop skip to the Arboretum and yes, I know I said we wont be back soon and here we are, two days after our last visit. Why? Because I want to see the pawpaws! (What do they do with the pawpaw fruits? -- I ask. They churn them into pawpaw ice cream. Someone on the staff has a recipe. I'm sure I can get it...)

(the other parts of the Arboretum are also looking pretty nice right now...)

But we cant be gone too long -- our couch number 2 (even cheaper than the last cheap one that we sent back!) is scheduled to arrive. And it does. And I am full of hope for it! But we leave it cartoned up for today. We have a full agenda already.

In the afternoon I pick up the two older kids. 

The unfortunate thing about having an ice cream store in your neighborhood is that the kids now know that there is an ice cream store in our neighborhood. Never mind that there is ice cream in the freezer at home and they never ask for it. The idea of going out for a cone seems like a supremely yummy deal and of course, the minute we drove past the new development yesterday they lay on the coaxing, begging, cajoling, until I finally said -- we'll do it tomorrow, in celebration of Ed's birthday.

So, we do it today, in celebration of Ed's birthday.

At the farmhouse, it's a bit of a rush. Violin, ballet. We need to be ready and on time for both. (They're in skirts today. Not sure why...)

And here's a little side step for me: at the time that Snowdrop dances, I meet up with my daughter's good friend who is in town for the weekend. These friends of long duration are like family, and when they come here, they are respectful enough to always want to spend time with me. Of course, I love young people -- they tend to still have more than an ounce of joy in their souls.

Evening. Ed and I go out for moulles frites. For him. Fish for me. 

The day ends with our quiet time on the couch. The old one. (The new one is under construction.) With one or the other or both dozing because we've had such full days. Such happy days. Despite all those entanglements and peculiarities, despite all that's there to cause you to shake your head in bewilderment and dismay, we remain happy. That is our job. Our course. Our love.

Thursday

If you ever have had an infections disease, the kind that requires people to wear PPEs (personal protective equipment) or at the very least N95 masks when they come near you, and if you have even a shred of empathy for humankind, then you will have experienced this day -- which is my day today -- when by at least some markers you are deemed disease free (completed period of isolation, with two negative tests, spaced, afterwards), even though, of course, these markers are a standardized fiction, because nothing is certain, nothing is without doubt. And so you are deemed safe, but those around you kind of still keep their distance and you want them to, because what if, what if... You do not want to be a Typhoid Mary (the woman who was an asymptomatic carrier, infecting everyone left and right). And of course, Covid gives you ample opportunity to have doubts: you can get a rebound! The burden is on you to identify a Covid sniffle and distinguish it from a winter "I've been outside, damn it, so my nose drips" sniffle. I've already used five tests for this course of Covid. The UW Health Covid specialist tells you not to pay attention to tests anymore. Too many false positives can follow a course of Covid. But I don't have any positives! Am I golden? Or am I an outlier? In Covid, there are outliers. 

The funny thing is that all these doubts, the potential for spread, your own safety markers -- they exist for everyone, perhaps especially for those who think themselves to be Covid free. Only a hermit can rest comfortably and think him or herself to be clear of the virus. (Ed comes to mind, though he spent four hours this week in the Social Security Administration office. Masked, to be sure. But no one else around him was masked. So even Ed has to question his potential for being a carrier.) But you dont think much about it if you've not had Covid. You think -- I'll know it when it's here and then I'll be a good citizen and take precautions. [Caveat: there are those who do not think this way; I personally know of people who boarded a transAtlantic flight knowing they had Covid. Good people. They found suitable interpretations to allow themselves a different thought pattern. And of course there are those who simply equate Covid with a "bad cold" and carry on as if it were nothing more than that. I can only say -- tell that to the long Covid sufferers, currently somewhere between 6 - 28% of all who have had Covid. I know, quite the spread of probable cases!]

So I am in my gray box, ostensibly disease free, and honestly - a safer bet than the stranger you'll bump into at the grocery store because I have a stack of fresh negative tests! And yet, I am cautious. Because just a few days ago, I could have messed with you, and you, and you....

That's one perspective. Another is my daughter's who cannot wait for me to pronounce myself to be Covid free! She leaves it to me to make that determination (she knows I am submerged in all the science around Covid), but once made, she is willing, nay, eager for me to resume afterschool childcare! And so today, I reclaim the kids.

But of course, that comes later. In the morning there are the animals to feed...

Breakfast to eat.... (why alone? Well, you know, my gray box...)

And a bike ride to get under the belt before the rains come down. Ed and I go out together.

(Still catching those shots from pedaling behind him)

Theme for today's ride? So many cranes!

And home again.

Afterwards, the farmhouse is once again his. And this is so good, though once more we must find our center: he must get used to me clearing a dirty plate from under his nose. I must get used to having a dirty plate in plain sight. The melons come back to occupy half the refrigerator, dripping their sticky juice. My breakfasts come back to tempt him even as he likes these days to push off the first meal of the day. All this is refreshing for us: we are back to navigating our common waters, together. And it is wonderful.

The kids? Oh, they're excited to be back. In this week of isolation, they have managed to cycle through a school closure, their own set of non-Covid bugs and a visit from another grandmother. Nonetheless, give a child her known routine, with indulgences and attention thrown in and she, he is happy.

(Today, I also pick up Sandpiper)

So maybe we have Covid behind us for now? That's the hope and expectation! 

Now, onto our shared evening. Just Ed and me -- so missed by the both of us!

with love...

Wednesday

Well, when even the cat abandons you for breakfast, there's nothing left but to bring the laptop to the table.

It was in many ways a celebratory meal. I'd done my morning chicken chores...

(hey, you're sure you're going the right way??)

And I scrubbed the house up and down and all around, running loads of laundry, vacuuming, you name it, I did it. (No, not a thorough job. Give me a break. A sufficient job.) Why the fuss? Well I got a "for sure negative" Covid test result. If it repeats tomorrow, I can reenter society. Isolation ostensibly ended yesterday, but I find that to be an empty victory, because if I see people, I still need a mask. By tomorrow's negative, that requirement goes away, so Ed can come back to the farmhouse.

We time our bike ride to fit the weather pattern for the day. For sure, the best is slated to be with us in the morning and so we do our loop then. My challenge? To photograph from the big camera slung around my neck without braking pace! Pedal, focus and snap!

And again!

In our little corner of the world, you can't go far these days without spotting a crane. Or two. Or more. Today, cranes in flight. And I'm in flight too, except they're faster than I am, electric assist notwithstanding!

And home again.

I'm thinking how the suddenness of certain events (say a Covid diagnosis) really messes with your sense of time and place. It is hard to believe that I came back from France exactly a week ago. It feels at once more distant in time, but also, since I've stayed put, canceling all my dinners, doctors, grandkid pickups, and everything in between for the week, my return seems like it happened just a day or two ago. I came back, I had a normal day and then there is this void. Not an unpleasant void, mind you. I had such a mild case! And for the most part, good weather has given us the gift of many outings, rides, hikes. I've put the house in order -- something that I always have to do upon a return, but can't quite accomplish in one fell swoop, ever, because there isn't the time for it. I've beat the deadline for Christmas cards! Under the wire, to get that coveted discount that only comes if you put your order in before October 15th. I haven't yet planted the spring bulbs, but I have done some gardening. And I caught up on sleep. So -- not bad for a void!

In the evening, I promised myself, and you, that I would cook something new. Smitten Kitchen posted a recipe for chicken tortilla soup and I suddenly wanted that very chicken tortilla soup. With a tomato base, black beans, and a reach for my frozen corn kernes, oh, and importantly -- some fried up tortilla strips, it really is good!

Now all that has to happen is for me not to get a rebound case of Covid and I will consider myself very lucky indeed. 

with love...

Tuesday

A beautiful but stinky morning!

I step outside just as the sun pushes its first rays over the horizon. Ribbons of mist settle over the fields to the east of us. It's cold! 

I've been given instructions to move the car and I see that there is the smallest hint of frost on the windshield. Nothing that will kill off the annuals yet, but it is a warning: we are just at the edge of a huge seasonal change. (With a deep frost, the landscape at the farmette will be transformed.)

For now though, I'm still thinking about what plants to bring indoors for the winter. I dont have enough hours of sunlight on the windowsill to keep them vibrant, and yet what there is will produce a constant, if wimpy, bloom all winter long. And when I take the plant out again come spring, it springs to life! So, which one? 

Our septic system is to be cleaned out this morning. This happens maybe once in a handful of years. Basically two people using the toilet and one of them being committed to a bidet (did you read that article in the Washington Post yesterday imploring everyone to switch to a bidet? Ed feels so vindicated!) doesn't provide much fodder for the system. The cats, upon seeing the big truck roll in, scatter to high heaven. The hens, on the other hand, hover with curiosity. 

But what I really smell is the visit of a skunk. This is never good news. Skunks want our chickens. And at least one of the cats has been known to wage war with the smelly predator. You could say that the cat won the war but lost the battle. (Thankfully it was not a cat that comes in for farmhouse visits).

Breakfast, with two reminders of earlier travels (candle scent, honey). These are the kind of souvenirs I can live with!

And then I work. In the garden. And on small projects that got pushed aside for lack of time. Eventually, Ed is ready for a walk and I coax him into an Arboretum hike. Once a season! -- I tell him.

For us, the Arboretum is a place of two extremes: on the one hand, it is stunningly beautiful. Now, perhaps more than ever.

It's a vast space, with open fields, studded with magnificent trees...

And, too, there is a forest with trails that are just lovely.

Except that...

Well, it abuts the Beltline -- our highway that circumnavigates our city to the south. In spite of the vastness of the Arboretum lands, the noise of the traffic never quite goes away. You can never have what we love so much about forest walks: total quiet. So yes, it was splendid and beautiful and the weather was absolutely fabulous...

But he knew, and I knew that we'd probably wait another couple of months before we'd rush back.

At home, I bike a little in our neighborhood. Laugh all you want: it was for the rings! (And for the warmth of an October sun, and the views in the fields, and the feeling of being transported elsewhere!)

Supper? Well, leftovers. Cheesy, tomatoey, farro. With a freshly poached egg on top and a salad at the side. 

Tomorrow I honestly will at least attempt to cook something new. Maybe!

with love...

Monday

Before I say another word, let me just note that my heart and thoughts are with a friend who has been thrown the worst sour pickle juice you could possibly imagine this week. She is going through rough days and I am not really with her, because she doesn't live nearby, and yet I am with her because she needs even distant support. You know who you are. I'm at your side, always. (As you have been for me.)

(still blooming!)

Me, I continue to coast. So far, none of the potentially Covid exposed persons have shown any signs of illness. Please may that last. And I feel good! So good that I dared test myself once again and though I'm positive, I know that I will remain thus for a while and it should not bother me because even if there's that extra line on my home test, everything is receding. My load is lessening. 

In the morning, I'm with the chickens. And one of the cats. The usual rigamarole. No, cat, you stay in the shed. Yes you! And you? Come with me to the farmhouse. Clap clap clap! That's the signal. You know what you're supposed to do! 

Breakfast, alone. I decided that I need some human content in the post, even if I am isolating, so you get me today! Want others? Sorry, can't help you there...

And then I do a lot of internet work because I have a festering to do list and, too, I have some travel adjustments that require work. Click click, tap tap. All morning long.

But in the afternoon, Ed and I head out. The plan is to bike to the park and then walk, but we get sidetracked. He wants me to identify some of the stuff that's growing out back where he has been tending newly planted saplings. Most of them are weeds, but still, it's good to get information so you can plan accordingly (to mow? to let it be? to dig out?).

We walk the farmette lands up and down, and we take a look at the new orchard, and Ed even finds a leftover pear way up high... and another!

(...in our bike helmets!)

The hens come out to see what the excitement is all about...

And did I tell you? It's such a beautiful day! Sunny and cool. Your perfect October afternoon.

Okay, let's get on those bikes!

To the park!

Where the turtles are once again warming their backs in the sweet rays of an autumnal sun.

It's sad not to go back to the farmhouse together, but honestly, I have had a very easy isolation. On beautiful days, it hardly feels real that I am infected with something as bad as Covid. I feel that fine!

Evening: I cook up farro, with tomatoes and cheese. Another one of those meals that will last at least three nights. Toss a salad, throw on a poached egg and you're golden.

These unexpectedly strange days are spinning by quickly. Out of broken routines, there emerge new ones. We think we don't handle change well, but in fact we do. We're experts at it, adjusting constantly to a new set of imperatives. Such small challenges we have here, at the farmette, compared to those faced by others. Tiny beads of nothing. Lucky. Just insanely lucky. I wish luck were universally on the side of all those who need it right now...

with so much love...