A letter of rejection?

Sometime in December I submitted an essay I had written, for review at a major publication. It was a long-shot, but sometimes one just feels spunky and bold in this way.

Today I got the letter from the editor. He wrote:

Dear Ms. Aiming-high [not the real name: I want to protect her anonymity; suffice it to say it was not my last name],

Our mutual friend, Merry Sherry [only one of those words is authentic and I wont disclose which one] has sent me your resume.

I have taken the liberty of passing it on to Bill Schmutsky [another attempt at a name disguise by me], our associate managing editor for news administration. Someone on his staff will be in touch to set up a meeting.

Sincerely,

XXX
[Big shot at major publication]

cc: Bill Schmutsky

Now, there are several things that are of interest here:
1. take heart: even the big time publications occasionally put the wrong letter in the wrong envelope.
2. when someone from Bill Schmutsky’s office calls Ms. Aiming-high to set up an appointment, she will be surprised.
3. Bill Schmutsky, of course, assumes that Ms. Aiming-high got the big okay. He was, after all, cc’d on the letter ostensibly sent to her.
4. The big shot publication guy who was the recipient of my humble query letter with manuscript has a habit of sending little private notes deflecting job inquiries from “friends of friends,” and our preoccupation with meritocracy notwithstanding, friends of connected friends give each other a nice leg up in this doggy dog world.
5. I wonder what Ms. Aiming-high thought when she got MY letter, most likely rejecting everything with a blanket “get lost and leave us alone” message?

Was this a walk-out?

The first day of class. 42 semi-attentive faces – half-dozen with lap tops opened, ready for (a game of spider solitaire) note-taking. I begin my introduction to family law. I get through the preliminary stuff: topics covered, reading assignments, etc. We’re on to the trivial now. Or so I thought. I talk about my office hours and 2 students stand up, pack their bags and leave. Is there something inherently offensive about 11 – 12 on Thursdays?

Polish news weekly gives run-down of what Hollywood thinks of Bush

My Warsaw friend, Agnieszka, sent me a link to a Polish news weekly which, in addition to having interesting news of Poland, has a detailed story on what they’re saying about Bush in Hollywood and in the music industry. Now, granted, we may well guess what these guys are saying about him. But the quotes are news to me and so I thought I’d pass them on, straight from this week’s issue of Wprost (title of the article: “the coalition of the hating”):

[the article starts off with a bit of humor:
back in the old days of communist rule, Andropov spoke with Reagan. “In our country,” says Reagan, “we have free speech.” “In our country, we, too, have free speech” retorts Andropov. To which Reagan responds “Everyone in our country can criticize the president of the USA!” Andropov is triumphant. “So what, you think it’s different here? We, too, can criticize the president of the USA!”]

Jessica Lange: “nienawidze go” [“I hate him”]
Barbara Streisand: "Obawiam się przywódców, którzy biją w wojenne bębny, aby doprowadzić obywateli do patriotycznej gorączki" [“I’m terrified of leaders who beat war drums –NC:did I lose something in the translation here??—in order to lead citizens to feverish patriotism”; NC: this is like playing telephone, by the time it comes around again, Barbara will have said that she’s scared because Bush is insisting we play drums to show patriotism]
Woody Harrelson: "Jestem Amerykaninem, którego męczą amerykańskie kłamstwa. To jest rasistowska i imperialistyczna wojna" [“I’m an American—NC:temporarily fluent in Polish, but hey..—who is tortured by American lies. This is a racist and imperialist war.” ]
Raper Moby [the rapper, unfortunately comes out as “raper” when translated into Polish] "Ameryka, w którą wierzymy, nie przeżyje kolejnych czterech lat rządów George'a Busha" [“America, in which we believe, will not survive four more years of George Bush’s rule”]
Don Henley, lider [lead singer] The Eagles: "Muzycy są zobowiązani do zaangażowania się przeciw Bushowi. Jesteśmy przecież obywatelami tego kraju". [“Musicians have a responsibility to be engaged against Bush. We are, after all, citizens of this country.”]
Bruce Springsteen: "Krzyczcie głośniej, jeżeli pragniecie zmiany prezydenta" [during his NY concert “Shout louder if you want a change in presidents”]

THE JOY OF BOOHBAH

Just so you know, great minds on this side of the ocean have been thinking of ways to get the younger generation hoppin’. We don’t want our children and grandchildren to have high glycemic loads like ours (see post January 14). So here’s the newest thinking: if you can make iridescent blobs move wildly on the TV screen, you can make kids exercise their way into a Wesley Clark 5% body-fat frame. Here I am, struggling against all odds, going to the gym every day, and instead, I could have flicked on the set and booobah’d my way into a state where my cells would have been begging for more glycemic work. That’s the positive spin on the new PBS series. The less optimistic: it’s a bunch of iridescent blobs wiggling and looking like the work-out isn’t doing them a bit of good, for pete’s sake. And do you understand the noise accompaniment? Nasty. Enough to make you want to reach for the Skittles.

Future Generation of Lawyers

(just no lawyer jokes, please)

I finished grading the last law exam today (one day ahead of the deadline  ).
Most of the first year students in my Torts class did respectable work. Some were quite outstanding. In my Family Law class, on the other hand, I had a handful of the worst exams that I’d ever seen (in my uninterrupted 10 years, i.e. 20 semesters, of teaching this class). The question was extremely straightforward: a long fact pattern detailing the life of a woman who had one too many marriages (even by Bush's standards), a few too many affairs, and a bunch of marital and nonmarital children. The point was to secure a financially stable future for her and for her children, and to keep the children together.
Here are some literal quotes from exam-takers (fyi, Barbie is the client, Bill is her latest husband of 3 years; a few of the comments are from the same student; square brackets are my own notes):

- “Bill may claim rights to 14 year old (from a previous marriage) as well, even though not the biological father, depending on his relationship with the 14 year old” [a regular Michael Jackson kind of guy!]
- “Courts seem to prefer some sort of joint custody so she’ll have to put up with it”
- “Courts look at domicile and where they have been living because they are concerned with state interest”
- “In Wisconsin, one needs to show declaration of intent before someone to get married.”
- “She could argue that it is not in the best interest of the child for Mona to visit and the trial court could grant her this presumption, however court may override it if they determine their own best interest.”
- “By looking at the specifics of his infidelities and comparing them to effects that they had on Barbie it may be possible to show that, for example Bill had so many affairs that he was reckless and outrageous in regards to Barbie because he put her at a risk of catching an STD and as a result of said behavior Barbie suffered emotional distress” [wait, is this an errant exam from the Torts class?]
- “States want to respect the Full Faith and Credit clause because it promotes comity between the states and discourages forum shopping so that people try to get what they want.”
- [maybe you have to be a lawyer to appreciate the absurdity of this one:] “Under the Uniform Family Support Act, a state has no jurisdiction to modify child support orders issued by another state that has lost its continuing exclusive jurisdiction.” [so once a state loses jurisdiction, man, it’s gone!]
- “And Barbie is still young, 36. She’s got the world ahead of her. And I am still young so I’m sure I’ll have plenty of legal bills for Barbie in her future.”

Hey, this law stuff isn't that tough! Can't wait to hang that shingle!

THIS ONE'S FOR YOU!!!!

What do the following people have in common?

Janis Joplin
Paul Cezanne
Edgar Allan Poe
Dolly Parton
Michael Crawford
my daughter

yes, of course, great artists all, but also….

….happy birthday!

More to eat, but less heat

This week’s Polityka, Poland’s favored news weekly, presented some fascinating data on how the market economy has transformed the purchasing power of the average Pole’s salary.
The paper shows what could be purchased (with an average pay check) in 1990, i.e. at the beginning of the “great transformation,” compared with 1995, and 2003.

It appears that the average pay check can now cover many more kilo of sugar, meat, chocolate (the staples?!) but fewer hours of heat, fewer tickets to the movies, and fewer doctors’ visits than in 1990.

If you’re itching to travel, Poland’s prices remain comparatively lower than those in the States or Germany. Take a look at this table. Everything from apples to a Big Mac are just a fraction of what the cost would be in the US. Of course, the average salary (in Euro, gross, first line in the table) is also a fraction of that in the US, but just about four times that of a Russian.

My advice? Fill up on the Big Macs in Poland, but get sick when you return back home. Unless you’re one of the 40% under/uninsured in the States, in which case you should take a detour to France or England until you recover.

SUNDAY is family day...

My mother left a message on the phone last night (she lives in Berkeley CA). She wanted to know how come we had moved away without leaving a forwarding number. A veiled reference to the absence of calls on my part, I have no doubt. I am making up for my inattentiveness by including a reference here to our subsequent conversation.

We talked books – a very safe topic, because she reads a lot, certainly more than I do, and she remembers names of journalists, speakers, authors, which, again, is a considerable improvement over me. She feels good that in spite of the fact that our ratio of academic degrees is me 3 to her 0, she does better in the reading department. Our conversation goes something like this:

She: “I went to hear Ben Chehatsky speak yesterday”
Me: silence
She: “You don’t know who Ben Chehatsky is, do you?”
Me: “No clue, Mom”
She: “You say you have a law degree and you don’t know?”
Me: “Really, no clue.”
She: “He was excellent. The room was packed. They couldn’t pack a room full of people in Madison to see him, could they?”
Me: “Maybe people here don’t know who Ben Chehatsky is.” [this is just handing her the bone, but what can I do..]
She: “Hard to believe, isn’t it? And I’m guessing it’s cold now, right?”
Me: [I certainly can’t argue that one] “It’s cold.” And then, to find common ground: “Have you read the new Tyler book yet, Mom?”
[the rest of the conversation is about her reflections on Tyler, and I need only listen since of course I have NOT read every single Tyler book out there, and she has.]

I should admit, however, that I am currently reading Tyler’s “Amateur Marriage” – which hits at all the Polishness hidden within me as it is loaded with character names like “Mrs. Pozniak” and “Mrs. Kowalski” and "Mr. Kostka". I’m catching up on you, Ma!

Know your candidate..

This week, the Isthmus ran a story on the Democratic presidential candidates. By now, the only surprises are to be found in the answers to the question “What little known fact can you tell us about this candidate?”

Here are some revealing tidbits:

John Kerry: he windsurfs.
Dick Gephardt: he loves baseball and at one time had hopes of becoming a professional baseball player. [how all-American!]
Howard Dean: he requested African American roommates while in college at Yale. [would that be so that he could say “some of my best friends are..” ?]
John Edwards: he was the first person in his family to go to college.
Dennis Kucinich: he’s a vegan. [he might as well just close the campaign door for good with that one]
Al Sharpton: he married a James Brown back-up singer.
Wesley Clark: At 59, he has only 5% body fat. [that’s a mean one to hurl at a nation that has most people at 95% body fat]
Joe Lieberman: as a college student, he took a month off to help blacks register to vote in Mississippi. [I think that came up as the little known fact last time he ran..]

More on dogs...

I was buying a bone for my dog. He gets one plastic bone, and when he finishes with that one, I buy him the next. He doesn’t really like other toys. This is a blessing—you can’t overindulge a dog like that.

The store also serves as a short-term boarding place for pets. A couple brought in their huge monster dog (looked something like this); he was scheduled to board for ONE DAY next week, and they wanted to introduce him to the environment so that he wouldn’t be traumatized when he came to spend his day there. The owner had already been in to check the place out, but now they wanted their dog to see it.

I don’t think I showed that level of concern for my girls when they were going off to school for the first time. They never got a chance to visit before hand. It was more like: “Here’s the school. Have fun. See you later.” And my dog? “Here’s the kennel, Ollie. Have fun. See you next month.” It’s not as if I’m going to ask his opinion or anything.

Informal Surveys

I asked people to call in and tell me which dog breed made for the best all-around pet. The long-awaited winner? The American Water Spaniel. I’m waiting for CNN to call. I have a few sound-bites for them to write down: if an AWS were in the White House now, we wouldn't be having all these problems! Or: a deep cocoa in color, deliciously sweet in nature, the perfect dog for a chocoholic!

Enough. The point is the study was unscientific, the sample was biased, the results tainted. But it doesn’t matter—I covered my bases by calling it an informal survey, right?

So did Ms. Stewart when she once again took in letters about which American city is the most “well-mannered,” and then announced her “informal” results. Now, I can well believe that Charleston is indeed at the top of the heap no matter whose survey you’d employ (though if I were them, I'd rethink that slogan: "Charleston--where history lives!" since it wasn't always such a polite and well-mannered history). I’ll even acknowledge that I know nothing of second-place Peoria – it may be charming in the extreme. True, a subject of ridicule in literature and song, but possibly very well-mannered. But New York and Chicago – in the top ten of polite? No way. Ms. Stewart has just given “informal surveys” a bad name.

Lost in Translation

Most people, when they hear this title, think of Bill Murray in Japan. They tell me how the movie is much better than they had expected.

Sure, it’s the title of a movie. But the phrase has been used before. To me, it recalls Eva Hoffman’s book (title: Lost in Translation) about growing up in post-war Poland and eventually moving to the States. I can’t say that I loved it when I read it. It isn’t an easy narrative: her prose is ponderous, difficult at times. But I have to say that it was one of the more meaningful books for me, for predictable reasons: the parallels are in-your-face obvious. Except, Hoffman is Jewish, and her family’s war experiences were, therefore, somewhat different than those of my parents/grandparents.

Hoffman has published another book, just this month. A fragment of it can be read online (NYT Book Review). The book, “After Such Knowledge: Where Memory of the Holocaust Ends and History Begins,” will have to bump all other reading material for a while. There are some books that one has to get going on, ASAP.

BULGARIA, HEAL THYSELF!

Of course. The NYT article (see post, January 13) inadvertently (I have to believe it was inadvertent) denouncing Bulgarian plums and vacation spots has only fueled feelings of low self esteem among Bulgarians. Take a look at this site on Bulgarian cuisine: It starts off with a little quiz:

What do you associate Bulgaria with?
- The fourth place at the World Cup Soccer Finals
- Hristo Stoichkov
- Economical crisis
- Folk music
- Wine
- Nothing

Nothing?? A crisis in the economy?? That’s pretty depressing. And I noticed that plums and vacation spots were also conspicuously absent from the list, as if the authors knew better than to tantalize savvy American/English travelers with such loser options, acceptable only to the East Germans (okay, and the Poles), during the grim 50s.

Let's rally behind Bulgaria. Did you know that they make the best damn Lactobacterium Bulgaricum in the world? Still, it would sound better if they just called it what it is -- yogurt.

IT'S THE CARROTS

Today’s paper tells us that Prime Minister Berlusconi may be taking time off to tuck in the eye lids, firm up the waist line, and take out any of the pastiness in his skin tone. Of course, the Italians tell us that appearance is a strategic issue: Mr. Berlusconi needs to look good to succeed in the forthcoming European Parliamentary elections. The Italians would think that. And if you’re genetically predisposed to looking great, as they all seem to be, it doesn’t hurt to protect that, which nature bestowed upon you.

My father has always said that he wishes he were born to an Italian mother and a Norwegian father – he’d have the height of the Nordic men (it is no secret that he covets the missing height genes), and beauty of the Italian people. But hey, the comment in the paper suggests that Mr. Berlusconi takes great pains working on his skin tone, and as a result, his skin always looks orange.

I’m one ahead of him there: you don’t have to be Italian to know that eating carrots will add orange tones to your complexion. Being a carrot cruncher myself, I can see the changes over the years. I, too, appear orange these days. Really.

Learning Curve

Everything takes time, including learning about blogs. I don’t know why, for instance, my archives currently sit empty. Communicating with tech support is like talking to Simon the computer activated voice at United Airlines. You need patience.

Yesterday at my monthly book group meeting the question came up if I can tell who logged in. The answer is yes and no: not individually, just numbers of server hits. So on my blog, your anonymity is protected, though do note that other bloggers may have purchased upgraded features that permit them to spy on their audience. I feel like writing letters of apology to those, whose sites I hit hundreds of times earlier this month as I was learning about blog options. No, I am not a stalker!

In this week’s New Yorker, there is an article about a woman who stalked her former lover on the net after they broke up – finding every bit of information on him and his new relationship. What she doesn’t say in the article is that he may know that she knows… But then, she may know that he knows that she knows. But of course, he may know that she knows that he knows that she knows. The psychological intrigue is tantalizing.

Help in Defining a Happy Marriage

Since the current administration is probably going to ignore my recommended topics for marriage training (see January 14 post), I thought maybe I’d poke around and see what others think of as appropriate subjects in our quest to educate the poor, unhappy sods who cannot maintain successful marital relationships. I only had to go to today’s Op-Ed page of the NYT to find one opinion of what needs to be fixed.

In case you fail to link, let me cite the pertinent quote. In her snappy little editorial, Dowd states: “Before Mr. Bush ventures into the inner cities to practice his conjugal noblesse oblige, perhaps he should beeline to a more rural spot — a split-level ranch house with green shag carpeting and Grateful Dead albums in Burlington, Vt. The doctors Dean seem to be in need of some tips on togetherness and building a healthy political marriage, if that's not an oxymoron.” And what does Dowd think is so troubling about the Deans’ marital home? The fact that the missus hasn’t let go of her practice to follow the mister on his political trail.

I get the speculative idea thrown around considerably in recent weeks that this wifely absence may cost Dean female voter support. (Though Dowd seems to think that Ms Dean’s presence may not be an asset. She describes her thus: “In worn jeans and old sneakers, the shy and retiring Dr. Judith Steinberg Dean looked like a crunchy Vermont hippie, blithely uncoiffed, unadorned, unstyled and unconcerned about not being at her husband's side — the anti-Laura.”). But from this must we leap to the conclusion that the MARRIAGE IS IN TROUBLE?

Well then, to get in with the cool people, let me suggest a module that therefore should be included in the marital trainings:

5. (previous 4 – see yesterday’s blog) How to keep the missus glued to the hip of a husband who chooses a profession requiring her pasty smile and warm presence even though she has a career which she finds valuable and important and despises making public appearances and flashing pasty smiles and indeed is bad at both but appears to be excellent at being a doctor and raising a son and is willing to pull up her roots and move to a big city as opposed to continuing with her rural practice just on the off chance, the very very off chance that her hub will be elected.

Did I say this already? I’m just so PSYCHED about this idea of marriage training!

The President Has An Idea

Did anyone else chuckle at Bush’s long pre-election arm, sweeping from appeasing those in need of cheap labor (through his proposal to partly legalize illegal aliens), to those in need of the “Mom ‘n Pop” model of family life? So the way I read it, soon we will have marital education programs for poor people, so that they wont let their strife get in the way of a happy marriage. I suggest the following topics for training modules:
1. How to manage the aggressive impulse that hits when you learn that your neighbor’s kid has invited his gang over to hatch plans to beat up your kid and terrorize the neighborhood
2. How to structure sharing sessions that openly, calmly explore the available strategies for dealing with the onset of the flu season given that neither parent has health benefits nor is permitted time off from work for illness – theirs or their kids’.
3. How to resist the temptation to spend money on superfluous items like organic multi-grain high-calcium low-fat raspberry bars, and concentrate laying away cash for long-term investments like Raid and light-bulbs.
4. How to make do with what’s in your kitchen and not fight about it (one class could, for instance, focus on using plastic wrap to seal everything from drafty windows and kids’ hands on cold days, to leaking toilets and porous walls that let in noise from fighting neighbors who haven’t yet signed up for the program.)

Anyway, it’s good to keep poor people busy, so I guess the programs are an inspired suggestion. As a sign-on bonus the government should give each family a palm pilot, so that there’s no confusion about scheduling in "marriage training" given that there are also "job-training," "alternatives to aggression" (for the fights that occurred prior to the start up of this program), "parenting classes" (for those who chanced to implicate their children into their quarrels and got caught doing so by social services), oh, and let’s not forget to tap in "church-going" – to keep the moral fiber strong. And they think the President’s day is long! (They don’t think that? Oh. I forgot that this President’s day isn’t too long).

The war at home

According to the latest Newsweek article on Diet, we have been paying too much attention to the wrong components of our diet. Instead of looking at fat, or simply the carb content of food, we should be monitoring each item’s “glycemic load.” Forgive me, but until yesterday, I never even heard of glycemic loads. I quickly looked at the box of my favorite organic, low-fat, high-in-calcium-and-celenium raspberry tarts that I routinely eat for “lunch” and failed to see any glycemic figures, though I have, up to now, appreciated that each bar has 0 cholesterol, 1 gram of fiber, 25% dv (daily value) calcium, and 2 g of protein. But now I suspect it is loaded with glycemic loads, therefore overworking my insulin-making cells leaving me ultimately more susceptible to diabetes and eventually heart failure.

Well now, I want to give my insulin-making cells a piece of my mind: what happened to the boost you got from all those grains, fruits, vegetables, cooked tomatoes, olive oils, handfuls of nuts, salmon, legumes and yogurts that I’ve ingested to help keep you strong and able? That’s not enough? You’re still trampled down by the glycemic loads? You’re wimps! I refuse to spend another cent to bolster a new, possibly futile war on excess glucose. Enough is enough.

BULGARIA TWICE SLANDERED IN THE NYTimes!

I don’t understand it! In today’s paper there is a suggestion that Bulgaria perhaps doesn’t quite measure up—in the foods it puts on grocery shelves, and in the vacation opportunities it provides. The article is about the former East Germany, but if you read it carefully, you’ll come across these two phrases:

1. (in reference to a museum of ubiquitous items found in the former East Germany) “About 10,000 people a year come to look at Mikki transistor radios, jars of Bulgarian plums, schoolbooks, plastic water glasses that never seemed to come in the right colors” – the implication being that Bulgarian plums are merely quaint relics of former life under Communist rule. As in, no one in their right mind would otherwise contemplate selling/buying/eating/enjoying Bulgarian plums. Ho hum. I’m sure they were fantastic (albeit sweet, but then try an English chocolate cake if you want a sugar overdose).

2. (there appears to be these days a) “post-mortem feeling that maybe the East had its good aspects after all, especially a certain economic security and stability, even if your best vacation option was Bulgaria.” This must have been put in by a spokesperson for the Greek Island Tourism Board. I’m sure Americans will now think twice about booking a week at a Bulgarian Black Sea resort. Yes, I’m defensive, and it has nothing to do with the fact that I myself spent my first holiday abroad in 1959 in...Bulgaria. I remember it as being a perfectly warm and… warm place. Really, if I were Bulgaria, I’d sue.

Eating Real Food

I neglected to do a persuasive pitch (yet again? --some might ask) for sustainable agriculture by linking to two, yes TWO stories in the NYT Sunday Magazine that open the door for a discussion of why organic/free range/regional food isn't gracing our collective tables yet. I’ve been accused of not liking simple American food (as opposed to high-end American cuisine which I do think is good). I would be a total disciple were it served as it is in the Farmers' Diner described in the second article.

One way to get quality food to appear more often, it seems, would be to ask grocers, restauranteurs, etc. where their food came from. I did that a couple of weeks ago at a local burger joint. They serve good burgers for those who like burgers, and though I’m not a crusader on this point, I do think that we should be especially inquisitive about the processing of meat in this country. I haven't trusted or eaten a burger of unknonw origins in years and thought that my dinner companions deserved to know about the beef they were about to order. I'm not sure they shared my enthusiasm for sourcing their food, but they let me fire away at the smiling (at this point) server.

So I asked, and the friendly waitress laughed and then I laughed, and to make her less uncomfortable (she clearly had no idea) I said that I’m sure it was meat from cows that grazed pastures, and this threw her even more and she laughed harder and scurried off, thinking that Mad Cow is nothing compared to this mad woman asking bizarre Qs on a Saturday night out.

Still, it would be good if many people routinely asked.