December 8th

Motivation is a funny thing: it sometimes lies dormant, waiting for who knows what. A nudge maybe? A nag? But there is, too, the instant, revelatory awakening: I want to do this now! It's brilliant! When can I get started? It comes unexpected, out of the blue, maybe from some words you've read in a book, or some photo you've spotted. This is it! I'm on it!

I wouldn't have thought that this day was going to be big on motivation. Neither Ed nor I slept a lot, though for different reasons. We'd gone to bed frustrated with each other over some misstatements and thoughtless gestures (it seemed to be a day for this!) and suddenly sleep was elusive. Both of us stayed on the internet far too long and got up far too early. No longer brittle but rather spent from the sheer exhaustion of trying to get out of a sticky mess. 

Still, it is the day for great weather. We both want to dive into it, though separately: he wants a long bike ride, I want a short one, preferably cutting through to a forest where all is quiet and calm.

But first, to the barn. To feed the whole lot of animals.

And breakfast. Without Ed, but only because I felt sorry for him and his sleep deprivation, so I did not wake him when he dozed off this morning.

And this is when motivation struck. I picked up a cookbook -- one I cannot mention because one Ocean reader can expect to see it underneath his or her Christmas tree. I leafed through it. It struck me that it was the most perfect cookbook I'd ever seen (at least in recent memory). I wanted to bake and eat most of the items in it. The author and I are, in other words, on the same page in terms of what we like to eat. I'd been drifting with my cooking and baking for a while now. In my opinion, it has lacked focus. For good reason! Ed is unpredictable in his likes and dislikes, the kids are even more unpredictable -- what's a person to do? 

This one book clarified things for me and it also allowed me to focus my travels going forward (we're talking about really going forward, since the next four trips have long been in place for me). I suddenly have goals. And ideas. And when you're motivated, the patterns begin to look absurdly simple and reachable, and clarity (however temporarily) takes hold.

Of course, this is all in my head and I'm sure the burst of energy that's with me now will dissipate, possibly by the afternoon as my sleepless night will come to haunt me. But this morning I move ahead with purpose. And it feels grand.

(my bike ride)

Afternoon. I pick up the kids at school and hustle them through our routines. Normally this is the day for me to get them to their lessons, but today my daughter has a work holiday party to which kids are invited, so we read, play, eat quickly. I need to get them to campus in time for the festivities.

I could attend as well, either as a retired prof, or as "family" of my daughter, but I've let go of nearly all my law school connections by now. I'm leaving that platform to my daughter's generation of faculty. Still, I peek in with just a smidgen of curiosity. Big parties with platters of good food... I remember that world! I even remember having fun attending. Sure, always the last to arrive and the first to leave, but still, I did attend! Decades ago! (Has it really been that long since I retired? It'll be ten years come January. Remarkable.)

Evening. Still on leftovers for supper, still happy to be home, not anywhere else, just on our couch, clicking through shows to see if anything will catch. Under a quilt that belonged to my daughters when they were little. Our idea of a perfect evening together.

with love...