embers

I wasn't a Girl Scout (no such option was available to me at my New York City school), but I did go to a Y camp where I sang with the rest of them the song that I've subsequently learned is a Scouting song, titled Each Campfire Lights Anew. And as the embers die away, we wish that we could ever stay, but since we cannot have away, we'll come again another day.

The end of the reunion came today. Honestly, there is a sense of finality to this day that extends far beyond the reunion. I had had three big, no, huge events for this year's summer. The family trip to Poland. The move to Steffi's House. Planting Steffi's garden. And two smaller but no less important ones: Grandma Camp, and finally the Reunion. When I would check off any one of these, I would focus immediately on the next. 

Today, the last of them ended. I spent a morning with Barbara and then drove her to her young family's home. 

And now I am with my own thoughts, and I have no pressing events to which I should shift my attention. No plans. No crunch time because there is no deadline. I did everything I had to do, culminating in this weekend of our reunion, during which I could begin to unwind, or at least imagine life without an immediate event looming before me.

It would be very easy to feel the enormity of it all. A sort of PTSD moment where I fall apart at the idea that I am no longer beholden to an intense series of days. No preparations. No fears of failure. But also no craziness to fill my day. I can now finally sit on the bench in Millie's yard and enjoy a moment of rose gazing. Or read a book in my book corner. Or sip a milky coffee on the porch. 

I can, and yet...

I'm still picking up the pieces. And maybe I dont want to let go of it all just yet, because then I would have to confront my future days and in doing this, I would plunge into useless worry about my sick friend for whom I can do very little these days. 

Still, I am transitioning. Into something else. Though I am too tired to imagine what that something might be.

*     *     *

Barbara and I stayed up late last night. Way past midnight for me. Millie was delighted with the whole weekend and Barbara continued to be delighted with her, so it was a harmonious threesome that sat back and chatted (or occasionally barked) into the wee hours.

This morning, Millie did ask me to please get up at the usual hour and honestly, I was more than happy to do so, because the day is so lovely, the sunlight so gentle, the breeze so cool.

(two morning views)

 

 

 

 

Barbara came down for breakfast...

And here, we lingered forever. This time I do remember what kept us to the table: filling in some blanks. We've known each other forever, and yet there are many things that I either do not know or do not remember about my friend. Like where she lived as a young child. Or what dog she had growing up. Or what was the subject of her dad's work. Or where her daughter had had a bat-mitzvah. Endless details that to me are fascinating because they are like those missing puzzle pieces -- they complete a familiar by now picture. Of course, you never quite finish the project of sharing a past with someone, but still, you feel great every time more pieces are found.

 

 

 

We drove Millie to doggie daycare, we shopped for kombucha, because I had never tried it. (So many things your friends can teach you!) And then I dropped her off and came home.

*     *     * 

I'll be thinking about this summer, this whole year in fact, for a long time. Maybe while sitting outside and enjoying the dapple and dance of the maple leaves in Millie's yard. My tree planted yesterday, tree of love, friendship, of great beauty. 

I'm sure with time I will imagine new projects and develop new ideas on how to clutter up my life. For now though -- I'm giving myself one big exhale. 

with so much love...